'Sex at work' actually masturbation

ALMOST all reported ‘workplace sex’ occurs solo, it has emerged.

Researchers at Roehampton University found that most surveys of supposed office-based sex failed to specify whether the act involved a partner.

Dr Roy Hobbs said: “If as many people were having sex in offices as is commonly reported, the entire workforce would be exhausted, sweaty and happy. And clearly they’re not happy.”

Dr Hobbs found that the ‘sex at work’ phenomenon was due entirely to blatant liars like pallid data inputter Tom Logan who said: It really annoys me that I cant get on with my work because Im so busy porking all the hotties in the office.

Frankly I feel guilty about being paid to do computer stuff when Im actually getting noshed off by the stern MILF office manager Helen, while other fantasy stereotype women stand around kissing each other as they await my attentions.

They need to put bromide in the drinks machine or something.”

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “I’m certain that workplace sexual activity is limited to pathetic acts of self-abuse in toilet cubicles.

“Except, of course, for the time I had a lesbian orgy in the HR office.”

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High streets to be awash with semi-feral husbands

UNRULY abandoned men could become a fixture on the high street as music, technology and DVD shops collapse.

As HMV entered administration shortly after the failure of shops selling computers and cameras, experts fear there will soon be nothing in towns for men.

Husbands and partners will be left in the street while their partners visit clothes and cushion shops, and will quickly revert to their natural instincts.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Men will be alone and rudderless outside department stores while their wives are occupied ‘trying on tops’.

“For most it will be too early in the day to begin drinking alcohol, so a kind of survival impulse will kick in.

“Within an hour they will start scratching around on the pavement for grubs and berries, also removing things from bins and sniffing them to see if they’re edible.

“Then if an alpha male rugby player-type comes along the smaller men will lie down in an obedience gesture, and thus packs will be formed, waging war with each other from sheer boredom.

“Wives and girlfriends will re-appear and say ‘sorry, was I ages?’ but it’ll be too late, their husbands are biting each others’ faces off.”

He added: “Other men, overwhelmed by existential horror, will decide to become vagrants and simply wander off forever, walking hundreds of miles until they find an unoccupied cave.

“Then they will freak out because it doesn’t have the internet so they can’t buy DVDs.”

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