subscribe
/ Sign Out

Satan Makes Room For Parents Who Complained About Disabled TV Presenter

PARENTS who complained about a one-armed childrens' TV presenter will have their own very special corner of Hell, Satan confirmed last night.

Lucifer's minions are sweeping out a disused basement room that will be kitted out to look like the Teletubbies house and then filled ankle deep with a corrosive mixture of children's vomit, gerbil excrement and out of date Sunny Delight.

On arrival all parents who objected to Cerrie Burnell's appointment will be driven into the room by fiery horned demons who will beat them continuously with prosthetic limbs studded with the shards from a broken Thomas the Tank Engine mug.

A spokesman for Beelzebub said: "They will then be slowly evicerated by some fairly large scorpions while being forced to watch the Josie Jump song from Balamory on a never-ending loop."

He added: "These people seem to think a one-armed young lady appearing momentarily inside a flickering box in their living room is the very stuff of nightmares. Let's just say we're reasonably confident we can prove them wrong."

Bill McKay, a parent from Northampton, said: "I turned on the Bedtime Hour expecting to see it hosted by some incredibly hot babe with a dodgy past in home-made pornography.

"Instead I got something that made my children cry and failed to give me an erection.

"I suppose this was a perfect opportunity to talk to my children about disability but I felt it would be more useful to email the BBC and try to put an end to this young woman's career."

He added: "Oh shit, I'm going to hell aren't I?"

 

OED Accepts Ronaldo As Synonym For ‘despicable Shit’

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.

As the Manchester United winger lashed out at another opponent and was booked for diving, manager Sir Alex Ferguson admitted even he had started using the word as an insult.

He added: "I've had this builder in and he's taking ages and making a lot of mistakes and the other day, without even thinking, I called him a 'sneaky wee ronaldo'.

"I said to him, 'don't ronaldo to me you lazy fucking ronaldo, just get it done or you'll get my toe up your ronaldo-hole'."

Examples of the new usage include, 'James accidentally ronaldoed himself and then renaldoed about it' and 'James was worried about the weeping ronaldos near the base of his ronaldo'.

OED researcher Nathan Muir said: "The dictionary can accept neologisms if there are frequent enough references to its definition in common culture.

"Following a thorough appraisal we are now satisfied that 'ronaldo' has become sufficiently analogous with a lying, pig-eyed sack of donkey turds."

Other new definitions in the next edition include:

  • Clarkson: (adj) Where the truth of an opinion is inversely proportional to its popularity amongst the mentally ill. The assertion that cyclists are worse than Hitler is profoundly clarkson.

  • Bale: (n) A tantrum completely out of proportion to the perceived slight. On hearing the cafe had run out of cinnamon, Nikki threw a bale until someone smacked her with a teapot.
Next story ›