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Revenge is a dish best served cold, and other phrases no one has a clue about

MANY everyday phrases you use are, on closer inspection, just a random collection of meaningless words thrown together. Like these deeply confusing sayings. 

Blow your socks off

The blast wave from any event sufficiently powerful to literally blow your socks off your feet would instantly kill you. If someone says ‘Check out this band live, they’ll blow your socks off’, take it to mean you’re in extreme danger and don’t go.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

As health advice this is absolutely catastrophic. It’s wrong to give people false hope about the curative value of edible fruit when they need a heart bypass. That said, the Tories will probably replace the NHS with posters bearing this gibberish aphorism as a cost-cutting measure.

Chip on your shoulder

Sure, if you had some chips on your shoulder you would probably be annoyed, due to the grease. But that would go for any food surely, so why not ‘goulash on your shoulder’, or even ‘tapas on your knees’?

Revenge is a dish best served cold

You’re taking your revenge by giving someone cold food? Well done, as long as it isn’t ice-cream or gazpacho. Even serving them a cold omelette is a very, very minor victory. If you’re ‘eating’ revenge yourself, shouldn’t it be ‘Revenge is a dish best enjoyed piping hot’?

The dog’s bollocks

Part of a series of baffling sayings for things that are ostensibly good, like ‘cat’s pyjamas’ and ‘bee’s knees’. However, anyone who’s actually seen – or smelt – a dog’s penis and testicles will attest they have no redeeming features whatsoever.

Don’t try to teach your grandma to suck eggs

Firstly, what grandmother couldn’t actually suck on an egg? It’s weird, but not difficult. Secondly, what would a grandmother stand to gain from being able to? Apart from being able to participate in one of the most underwhelming Britain’s Got Talent auditions of all time.

Straight from the horse’s mouth

This phrase assumes a lot right off the bat, primarily that horses are apparently very wise. How did it ever gain traction when everyone knows the only things that come out of horses’ mouths are bits of drool and bad breath?

Bob’s your uncle

Try to explain this phrase to someone learning English and you’ll instantly recognise it for the pile of horseshit it is. Your uncle’s not called Robert, and even if he was it doesn’t guarantee the success of anything. Britain’s long descent into mediocrity can surely be traced back to the coining of this phrase.

Richard Madeley vs Piers Morgan: Who will win the battle of the TV wankers?

FOR years, Piers Morgan was the undisputed biggest wanker on television. However, on Good Morning Britain, there’s a new kid in town: Richard Madeley.

With Madeley proving he’s as skilled a tosser as Morgan on a daily basis, who will win this battle of the small, vindictive, reactionary minds? Let’s take a look at the two contenders.

Madeley

This week’s interview with Mick Lynch was an impressive display of onanism as he tried and failed to outwit Lynch, who stuck to the issues, before petulantly telling the bewildered union leader to ‘jog on’ like a 13-year-old dickhead.

Or there was the cringeworthy, wittering tirade about the definition of Christmas, also with Lynch, claiming the festival started in early December and more circular monologue than interview.

Madeley fans loved his self-glorifying, Partridge-esque broadcast from Whiston Hospital in which he tucked his tie in and rolled up his sleeves like a doctor, when he was just getting in the f**king way. And of course his rant at a Just Stop Oil protester that drew comparisons with Don’t Look Up.

Yes, Madeley is a heavyweight TV wanker – and that’s before you even remember the accusations of shoplifting in Tesco. But Morgan isn’t a man to easily be outwanked.

Morgan

His stalkerish obsession with Meghan Markle continues unabated, with him resorting to posting risque photos of his own wife as some kind of weird riposte to accusations that his issue with Markle is that she once ‘ghosted’ him.

Further back he unpleasantly said he ‘did not believe a word’ of Markle claiming to have felt suicidal after being hounded by the media, somewhat overestimating his own importance with the words ‘Freedom of speech is a hill I am happy to die on’.

Then there are his hackneyed rants, solid gold spunk, about the dangers of cancel culture by a man who went past his cancellation date years ago. Indeed, if he were to stand up and perform an actual wank, his dwindling audience would welcome the variety. 

So who will emerge triumphant? It’s impossible to say – Madeley is a serious contender, but Morgan won’t give up the title of King of the TV Wankers without a fight. And when you come at the King, you best not miss.

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