PRISON life is preferable to hospital apart from the persistent knife-point sodomy and being shanked for an ounce of tobacco, according to a major new report.
Researchers at Bournemouth University said hospital food in particular was below prison standard with those patients who were able to sit up claiming it 'tasted a bit MRSA-ish'.
Nutritionist Dr Roy Hobbs said: "Prison food is designed specifically to deliver the key requirements of your average 22-stone psychopath. Unless, of course, you're a sex offender in which case it's mainly sandwiches made from broken glass and pubes.
"It may surprise some people that prison food is better than hospital food, but it's very important that prisoners are kept in peak condition so that those who want to at least have a chance of fighting off the 22-stone psychopath and his powerfully determined erection."
Last night patients at Knutsford General Hospital staged a violent protest in the hope of arrest, imprisonment and finally some soup that would not make them cry.
Charlie Reeves, an 82 year old hernia patient, said: "Every meal looked like it had died of a tragic wasting disease. One sausage coughed at me when I stuck a fork in it.”
"It's not really what you need when you're having a lump removed from a slightly wider lump."
Dr Hobbs added: "I suppose there comes a point in the history of all great civilisations when its citizens realise they would actually be better off in jail. Britain is now writing that glorious chapter.
"Now If you'll excuse me, this large bag of shit is not going to push itself through Gillian McKeith's letterbox."
