subscribe
/ Sign Out

Pint spillage forgiven in most grudging possible manner

A MAN has ostensibly forgiven the accidental spillage of his pint while maintaining a threat level close to maximum.

Not replaceable

Seasoned drinker Julian Cook was enjoying a fourth pint in a Swindon pub when student Roy Hobbs knocked into his table, causing beer to slop onto his leg.

Hobbs immediately began apologising, while Cook waited several seconds to gather his thoughts before responding.

He said: “It’s alright. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Hobbs immediately made matters worse by getting a bar towel and dabbing at Cook’s thigh.

Cook said: “It’ll dry. Best to leave it. No, leave it.

“Seriously, leave it.”

Cook then responded to Hobbs’s offer of a replacement drink by looking at him like he wanted to stick his hand down his throat and pull out his heart, after which Hobbs retreated to the bar and avoided eye contact for the remainder of the night.

Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “That was a masterclass in passive aggression. In fact I’m not sure it was even passive.

“What I took from it is that if you spill a stranger’s pint, nothing can make it better.”

Asteroid headed straight for self-centred astronomer

AN egotistical scientist has claimed that a mountain-sized asteroid is headed right at him.

Bearing a grudge

Although existing data only seems to indicate a possible strike somewhere on Earth within the next 70 years, Dr Bill McKay is adamant that he personally is directly in the firing line.

McKay said: “121 Cerberus has a nickel-iron core, a rocky surface and has been making a beeline for me ever since passing Saturn, the crater-faced bastard.

“It’s going to hit me full on the forehead and then bounce off and hit my Honda Civic, which I only got last week.

“It’s not the first time. 367943 Duende missed my flat by a mere 21,000 miles, then UX2 hit a Russian site I’d been visiting only six weeks before. Sooner or later it’s going to happen.”

McKay’s colleagues tried to reject his calculations for their obvious me-me-me bias but have been forced to admit that the universe has it in for him.

Emeritus professor Emma Bradford said: “When dealing with distances of millions of miles, it’s hard to make concrete predictions, but that asteroid seems to hate McKay just as much as we do.

“This has started a fascinating new line of research positing that the dinosaurs were big-headed twats.”

Next story ›