BEEN sucked into one of those pointless arguments about something utterly trivial? Maybe you should learn from well-adjusted people with actual lives, who don’t give a shit.
Pineapple on pizza
It might challenge tradition, but it’s hardly the personality-defining red flag that people on dating apps think it is. Although if someone likes their toppings to include pieces of Toblerone or a sprinkling of Tic Tacs, that’s cause for concern. But pineapple pizza is only slightly quirky, and what does ‘winning’ this argument involve? Prison sentences for all Hawaiian pizza eaters? Seems a bit harsh for liking a pizza topping.
Everything to do with scones
Scones are a powder keg of debate for boring people who are yet to encounter genuine life problems. Who cares how they’re pronounced? What difference does it make how you lay on the jam and cream? It’s all going to be churned up in your mouth in a matter of seconds so it’s not worth worrying about. And to settle the debate, they’re pronounced ‘scoans’.
Where the North begins
Due to the lack of a towering rampart spanning the width of the country with ‘Here be the North’ daubed on it in massive letters, the divide is somewhat nebulous. And that’s before tedious pricks from the midlands weigh in with their useless whinging. The best way to settle this age-old debate is to not think about it. In any case the answer is well-known if you’re a Southern ponce – it’s a straight horizontal line just above Watford.
What bread rolls are called
Imagine having enough free time that you get incensed by regional terms for a bread roll. If you refer to them as cobs, power to you. Prefer to call them barm cakes? That’s cool as well. Language is a multi-faceted wonder so enjoy its vast vocabulary. For example, people who get riled up about bread rolls are morons, bellends, cretins, halfwits, knobheads, shitheads – and that’s just a tiny fraction of the rich language of the Bard.
How to hang toilet paper
Installing toilet roll so that a sheet hangs over the top makes slightly more sense in terms of aesthetics and functionality, but it’s hardly the end of the world if bog paper faces the other way round. Just be grateful it’s there at all and start wiping. It’s those bulky, locked dispensers that are always clogged up you should be mad about. Jesus, you could punch the f**king wall just thinking about them.
