subscribe
/ Sign Out

Phones, TV, underwear: items you own that prove you can’t be poor

THINK you’re poor? Not if you own a smartphone. Here I, Telegraph reader Roy Hobbs, explain how you can’t be struggling if you own these things:

Smartphone

If you can afford a smartphone, you aren’t needy and that’s all there is to it. I don’t care if you only managed to get it because it’s on a contract you can barely pay every month, and I don’t believe that you can’t make a benefits claim without one. Haven’t they got pens and paper down the dole office? It’s not like internet access is vital to modern life, after all.

A cheap foreign holiday

Are you really trying to tell me that it’s cheaper to go on an all-inclusive package deal to Benidorm than it is to hire a holiday home in Cornwall? Don’t be so bloody stupid, I wasn’t born yesterday. If you claim not to have much money you certainly shouldn’t be gallivanting around abroad, however much joy it will bring your kids.

Avocados

Or any type of food that I consider a luxury, and especially if it’s organic. No, I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford many pleasures in life anymore, and eating healthily is important to you. If you can afford to buy something as lah-di-dah as one avocado then you’ve got no right whining about tax breaks for the wealthy.

Flat screen TV

Anyone who owns a flatscreen television is living in the lap of luxury, if you ask me, despite the fact that it’s impossible to buy anything else nowadays and actually you can get one for about £100. Unfortunately, my prejudice about them got stuck in 2003, so I’ll keep repeating the same lazy bollocks even when we’re watching Eastenders on a hologram.

Underpants

In my day we wore our drawers until they had holes in them, and then we’d turn them inside out and wear them again, which I still do now. If you swank around buying a pack of five boxer shorts from Tesco, you’ve a nicer life than I ever had. Yeah, I could easily afford them on my final salary pension, but I enjoy being a miserly old bastard.

Man doesn't know how he'd cope without his emotional support pint

A MAN does not know how he would get through the day without the aid of his trusty emotional support pint.

Bill McKay used to find the stresses of everyday life overwhelming until he decided to start carrying a 568ml glass filled to the brim with Otter ale around with him wherever he went.

He said: “It’s been a life-saver. I used to have to face life head-on in complete sobriety, but thanks to the help of my emotional support pint I can take the edge off things with a few sips.

“I admit people tend to just have a pint in the pub, but that’s no use if you’ve got a stressful job interview at 9am.

“Failed marriages, threats of redundancy, the news in general, all of these otherwise terrifying concerns fade into insignificance when you’ve got a pint in your hand. I’d be lost without it.

“Sure, I get a few funny looks when I take it on a plane to calm my fear of flying, but most people are understanding and ask where I managed to get a pint at that altitude because they’re gasping for a drink.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “Sometimes one emotional support drink isn’t enough. I need four hip flasks filled with Echo Falls just to get through taking my kids to soft play.”

Next story ›