ENJOY having an in-depth rummage in your nasal passages while driving to Tesco? Did you know people can see you doing that, and these things too?
Crying
Had an argument with your partner, ran out of the house sobbing and jumped in the car for a head-clearing drive? Unfortunately, you’ve hit the school run traffic and are now gridlocked on the high street, eyes and nose streaming, while pedestrians and fellow drivers peer at you and nudge their companions to discuss exactly what kind of crisis you’re having for their entertainment.
Nose picking
Why you think nobody can see you excavating your nostrils with a finger buried up to the second knuckle is a mystery. You’re stationary at a traffic light and surrounded on all four sides by glass. You wouldn’t put out a comfortable chair in full view of a busy road and do the same, but that’s essentially what’s happening here. It’s even worse if you wipe your findings under the seat, but at least nobody else has to see that.
Arguing
Are you having a full-on barney with your spouse in the car park at Morrisons and think nobody has noticed? Think again. While modern cars are so soundproof the words are indistinct, it’s easy to lip-read ‘Get f**ked, you needle-dicked manbaby!’ through the big windows of a Range Rover Evoque. Everyone is laughing, and it serves you right for buying such a twatty car.
Applying makeup
If you’re habitually late, you’re probably used to putting your makeup on in the car, half looking at the road while you slap on foundation and apply mascara. People will probably not take offence, or even notice, unless you drive into the back of them because you’ve poked yourself in the eye with a liner pencil and gone temporarily blind. Then they’ll take great interest in taking down your details and screwing you on the insurance.
Singing
Do you enjoy pretending to be Adele, warbling Skyfall in the queue to get out of the retail park? The people in the car next to you may not be able to hear your hideous caterwauling, but they can see the double chin, scrunched-up eyes and general state of your teeth that your hysterical bellowing has showcased. They don’t like it and yet they can’t look away, like a road accident.
Texting
This is not only ill-advised, but also dangerous and illegal. However, you’re a bellend who persists in doing it because you think the rules don’t apply to you. Fortunately for fellow road users, you can be seen very clearly, and the police officer pulling up next to you is about to give you six points on your licence and a £200 fine. And you deserve it, you stupid, completely visible prick.
