News Of The World Readers Could Not Care Less

NEWS of the World readers have no interest in how the paper gets its celebrity sex stories, as long as it gets them, it was confirmed last night.

As the tabloid faced legal action from celebrities whose phones were tapped and Tory leader David Cameron stood by his beleaguered spin doctor, the paper's readership said its priority would continue to be all the stories about fucking.

Tom Logan, a reader from Grantham, said: "I think I would have been disappointed, perhaps even a little bit hurt, if they had not been tapping Gwyneth Paltrow's phone on my behalf.

"To be honest I've never really given much thought to how they get the stories, but I suppose on a sub-conscious level I've always just assumed it involved money and/or breaking the law.

"At least now I know the stories were all true, as if that's ever made the slightest difference. Anyway, I wonder whose been doing all the fucking this week?"

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from York, said: "I had no idea who Andy Coulson was and I've been reading the paper for 35 years. But now I do know I would just like to say thank you very much for all the fuck stories."

She added: "In a way I do feel rather sorry for those poor journalists. Poring over transcripts of Gwyneth Paltrow going on and on about AIDS and tofu and Chris Martin crying when he orgasms would have done my frigging nut in."

Publisher Rupert Murdoch said: "I was shocked to discover that I even owned a tabloid newspaper let alone one that uses highly questionable and innovative methods to deliver page after full colour page of stories about celebrity intercourse and all for just £1."

He added: "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA! Ah ha! Ah ha… Ha…

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

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New Emergency Number For Halfwits

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

The 111 number, chosen to match the numeracy level of its most likely users, will be manned by professional operatives who will use small words to explain why no-one is going to come to your house because your knee is making that weird clicky noise again.

Martin Bishop, an ambulance dispatcher from Knutsford, said: "It's very simple. If you're well enough to list your symptoms, you don't need an ambulance.

"Call back when you're unconscious, or can see a bright light at the end of a long tunnel."

Officials stress the 111 service is not designed to replace NHS Direct and its key function of keeping you on hold for an hour before telling you to go to your GP.

However the new service will offer a range of ringtones, hangover cures and will even advise on the nearest cock and fanny clinic to your postcode.

If successful, GP provision could be similarly overhauled, with surgeries replaced by a vending machine dispensing tamiflu, anti-depressants and contraceptive pills and a mechanical arm that pats patients on the head while saying 'there, there, that must be awful' in a soothingly robotic voice.

Holly Turnbull, 23, from Carlisle said: "I really hurt my finger yesterday. I would have called an ambulance but I couldn't dial because, like I say, I really hurt my finger."

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