SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

The British Medical Association said that any parent who was tempted to hold a swine flu party should remember the last birthday party and then smack themselves in the face with a pot for being so stupid.

Britain is now in the slowly tightening grip of a fresh panic after officials upgraded the virus from 'elaborate hoax' to 'about the same as a badger attack'.

Across the UK parents have been throwing parties hoping their children catch the virus before it mutates, as GPs said they may as well pack up and go home as everyone seems happy to be treated by the fucking Daily Express.

Deliberately infecting offspring with a potentially lethal virus is a Victorian invention.

Diarist Lady Monkswell wrote on June 5th 1872: "The summer season moves on apace and I have been much occupied inviting children to young Harold's tuberculosis party. He grows weaker by the hour."

A BMA spokesman said: "It is a good idea if you want two dozen bastards running through your house like a dose of diarrhoea, funnelling Sunny Delight into your BluRay player and experimenting with your cat."

He added: "From what we have been able to determine so far, it does seem to be the same sort of people who believe that MMR jabs will turn their kids into Rain Man.

"You know, arseholes."