THE city of Manchester is to cover all pavements, walls and street furniture with metal spikes to stop locals getting soft.
The move follows the installation of pavement spikes outside Selfridges, which are packed 24 hours a day by dozing Mancunians proving that their rain-hardened skin feels nothing.
Mayor of Manchester Bill “Macca” McKay said: “The more pain you can take, the more Manc you are.
“These needle-like spikes can burst a dropped melon so they are perfect for doing one-handed press-ups in front of your mates.
“They go well with the constant freezing sleet, the noonday darkness, and the unbearable itching caused by the Scousers being less than 40 miles away.
“From now on the city will be as open and welcoming to outsiders as a Judas Priest jacket turned inside-out, though obviously that’s still a lot less hostile than our evil twin Salford.”