Man thinks fellow cafe customers will enjoy sound of videos he is watching

A MAN in a cafe has decided to share the sound of the internet videos he is watching, because he thinks everyone will probably like that.

Generous Wayne Hayes is watching a number of YouTube clips including ‘Greatest football bloopers’, ‘Tits alert!’ and ‘Lad kicked in nuts by horse’ with his smartphone cranked up to full volume.

He said: “I thought about using headphones or even just turning down the sound, which frankly is not necessary on these types of clips. But then random strangers would not be able to overhear and share the fun.

“Like that woman there with two small children. They want to hear someone’s phone speaker saying ‘Bro, you totally got nailed in the nutsack, fuckin’ A!’ in a drunk American voice. It will lift their spirits.

“I’ve got ‘Bikini babe testing machine guns in desert’ lined up next, especially for the pensioner lady drinking her herbal tea.”

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If you're being a tax haven we only really want London, say investors

INTERNATIONAL investors have demanded that when Britain becomes a tax haven it must slim down to just London.

Following Theresa May’s threat to turn the UK into a low-tax home for anonymous bank accounts and nine-to-a-room multinational head offices, investors have suggested she ‘trim the fat’ first.

Hedge fund manager Julian Cook said: “Tax haven is very much the way we’ve been going anyway, and some naughty boys I know in South America will be extremely interested.

“But, you know, Monaco, Luxembourg, the Cayman Islands… notice anything? Low acreage? Very little infrastructure to support?

“My clients are not the kind of people who foot the bill for Doncaster’s streetlights, I’m afraid, though big thanks to the Doncastrians for voting Brexit.

“No, I mean if the Scots and the nutters are going anyway bung the North off with them, auction Wales off as uninhabited, flood the South, London’s your sovereign tax haven. Job done.”

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “Mmm. It does seem that absolutely everything worth bothering with is already in London. Coincidentally.”

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