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Industry expert claims his industry is hardest hit

AN industry expert has appeared on television asserting that of all British industries, his has been the hardest hit of all. 

Spokesman Martin Bishop told BBC Breakfast and Good Morning Britain that the industry he represents has been devastated by Brexit and/or Covid, and that the government must step in.

He continued: “These issues affect us all, but my industry is the most important industry. The affects of what’s happening will be far-reaching, the implications are unreal, and I demand people share my concerns.

“Confusing, nihilistic data about the current and projected condition of the industry must be spoken about with a soft but anger-tinged voice, to arouse public sympathy.

“Rishi Sunak must act immediately by providing grants, loans and investments of at least half-a-billion pounds or my industry may disappear forever, which would be a terrible loss to Britain.

“I’m the best person to address the seriousness of issues facing the industry because I am slightly northern, but also have very good hair.”

Five other challenge months for wankers

VEGANUARY over? Back on the booze? Looking to enliven lockdown by setting yourself a fresh challenge? Put these on the calendar: 

Fibuary

Be an influencer for the month by uploading at least 12 pictures a day documenting your fictitious celebrity lifestyle. Artfully Photoshop yourself into Amalfi views, private jets and bank vaults full of gold even though you live in a two-bed terrace in Oswaldtwistle and eat beans on toast four nights a week.

Hatepril

Spend a month as an internet troll, hurling abuse at strangers and celebrities alike from burner accounts on social media. By indulging the darkest and most loathesome side of your nature, you’ll purge yourself and enter May with a spring-cleaned soul.

Reptember

There’s only one thing fitness bores love more than keeping fit: banging on about it. In Reptember tell everyone, even complete strangers, every piece of gym equipment you used each day, how many reps and what weight. Either that or spend a month living as a reptile.

Audicember

All Audi drivers are eligible to take part in this. You have to go the whole month of December without once using your indicators and never driving further than two feet from the car ahead. Participation levels usually hit around 98 per cent.

Ginuary

Still in lockdown this time next year? Skip Dry January and instead try a different flavoured gin each day, beginning pleasantly with raspberry and vanilla and descending to the filthy depths of Fisherman’s Friend and peyote. Often precedes a Dry February.

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