'I'm saving so much money!' says twat who can't read the room

A TONE-DEAF twat is excitedly sharing how much money he is saving during the lockdown.

Tom Booker is telling anyone who will listen that he looks set to save thousands of pounds over the next few months because he is unable to go out and piss it up the wall.

Booker, a management consultant, said: “The news is telling us that the pandemic is all doom and gloom, but my bank balance begs to differ.

“I know some people have got it into their heads that they’re feeling the pinch, but just think of how much money you’re saving now you’re not commuting or splashing out on a slap-up meal every night.

“If you’re on a grossly inflated salary like me, soon you’ll have so much money you won’t know how to spend it. Personally, I’m going to withdraw a stack of fifties and roll around with them in bed naked.

“In fact I’ll probably put so much aside I’ll be able to ride out the impending financial crash without even noticing.”

Shop worker Nikki Hollis said: “Why is it always the bellends who survive?”

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Six lockdown cocktails for this weekend

BINGE-DRINKING as usual this weekend? Freshen it up by mixing yourself one of these unprecedented-times-themed cocktails.

The Captain Tom

Saluting the heroism of Britain’s favourite NHS fundraiser, this mixes Bombay Sapphire to reflect his army days and tequila to represent his years as a motorcycle racer, all on a base of vintage port. Try doing 10 laps of the garden after this one and appreciate him even more.

The Furlough

A lazy daytime cocktail mixing pear cider, white wine and a dash of Pimm’s, this should be drunk in the garden at 10am contemplating another flawlessly blue sky. Ideal for those remembering what work used to be.

The Stars-At-Home

Mix vodka, honey liqueur and Goldschlager with cloudy lemonade in a pint glass. When you’re halfway down imagine that you’re famous and talking to a chat show host on your laptop, then do an acoustic, hammered and wildly out-of-tune cover of Adele’s Hello.

The Key Workers’ Salute

A layered cocktail of grenadine, vodka and lemonade, then finally blue curacao, this is a patriotic way of showing your support for our brave key workers. And after about five of these, you’ll feel as wrecked and hazy as they do after 16-hour shifts.

The Oh F**k This Is Real And Happening

The perfect companion to those nameless panics that suddenly pull you under, often around dusk. This cocktail mixes white rum, dark rum, lemon, lime and orange juice for a drink that reassures you that should the worst happen you’ll be too shitfaced to worry.

The Government Response

Take the dregs of everything you’ve got left at the bottom of bottles, shake well, down it in one, stagger to an improvised press podium and try to pretend it was a good idea and your plan all along. You’ll be sweating like Matt Hancock in no time.

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