BEING asked for directions used to be a common occurrence before smartphones intervened. Here are six deranged ways to react if it happens now:
Make something up
Rather than say you don’t know to a motorist, panic and blurt out a series of semi-convincing left and right turns at fictitious landmarks. Spend the next hour living in paranoid terror that they’ll find you again and implausibly decide to beat you up.
Be painfully accurate
Completely mess things up by being excruciatingly pedantic about junctions and road lanes. Throw in a little local history too. If they’re a middle-aged man you could be there for hours. If not, they’ll be looking for someone else to ask within seconds.
Pretend you’re foreign
Rather than admit your ignorance, pretend to have a foreign accent and speak very little English. It’s offensive but at least there’ll be no doubt about you being a twat when you unconvincingly burble: ‘Me no habitez locally, amigo.’
Become distracted by their appearance
Become fixated on a facial blemish or the person’s general appearance, and rudely stare. Ask if they’re on TV and if you can have a selfie. You’ll avoid giving directions entirely as they’ll decide you’re a nutcase and put the pedal to the metal.
Get needlessly defensive
It’s bloody unreasonable to be asked a question without adequate preparation. You’re fully entitled to say ‘I don’t know! Why are you asking me? I haven’t memorised the f**king road atlas. Don’t you have a phone?’ Feeling guilty and shouting ‘Sorry’ after them will do little to help.
Make it all about you
Do the thing you always do in conversation and bring it all back to you. ‘Yes, I’ve often meant to visit Matalan. I find it hard to buy clothes that fit due to having short legs…’ If they’re in a car, they’re haring off. If they’re on foot, they’re running.
