YOUR parents have a delicate relationship with modern technology. Here is how they will make a phone call even worse when the signal drops:
Start shouting
Your mum assumes mobile phones work in the same way as cups and string, prompting her to shout to re-establish the connection. With each ‘Can. You. Hear. Me?’ her pronunciation becomes more staccato and formal, resulting in her eventually sounding like Hyacinth Bucket barking over a dockyard PA system.
Press all the buttons
With shouting not working, your mum has handed the phone to your dad who immediately begins pressing every button on the screen. The call will go on speaker, then he’ll attempt to type in digits but forget the number. Finally, the ordeal will finish with your mum cursing at your dad because he’s gone to find his glasses due to the screen being ‘too small and fiddly’.
Take physical action
Your dad was a dab hand at fixing analogue TVs, so giving the phone a good whack should work. This only results in a fierce rebuke from your mum, who will then give the phone a gentle shake by her ear, and whisper ‘Hello?’ as though giving CPR to a mouse. Neither restorative actions work.
Think outside the box
The other end of the phone has descended into chaos. Your dad is convinced the problem is due to ‘gremlins’ and is pointing the phone at the TV aerial on the roof. Your mum is convinced they need to put more credit on ‘before the pips go’, even though the phone is on a monthly contract. Tempers are fraying and the signal has naturally reconnected without your parents noticing.
Bicker
Your parents are now experiencing full-scale bickering. Your mum is blaming your dad for all his ‘crap in the loft blocking the signal’, but your dad is certain she’s worn it out by ‘nattering about shite’. Mum hits back by telling your dad to change his clothes as the static from his cardigan is clearly the source of interference. You hear him utter ‘rubbish!’ while taking it off just to be sure.
Seek help elsewhere
They’re both in a mood. Your dad storms off to look for the mobile phone manual, while your mum calls your brother on the landline to tell him not to call them on the mobile. After finally finding the one part of the house that has signal, the conversation is cut short as their phone runs out of charge.
