THINKING of checking how little money you have? Prepare yourself for the shock, trauma and grief with these tips:
Set low expectations
Make a conservative estimate of your financial situation. Now cut it in half. Now deduct an additional £100 for every moment that gave you joy over the last month, to account for all the takeaways, eBay purchases and little well-deserved treats. It’s harder to be disappointed when you assume you have f**k all.
Have a plan of action
The process of checking your bank balance should run like a military operation. Don’t just saunter in. You need to have checked and quit so fast you’re only seeing the figure as a retinal afterimage to minimise the shock of how poor you are. Ideally it will be days, if not weeks, until you can comprehend it.
Surround yourself with loved ones
Looking at your balance is an emotional ordeal, so surround yourself with friends and family. Don’t let them look at the screen; postition them on the other side of the laptop so they can only read your dire financial situation through your face. They’ll treat you to a meal for being so brave, and God knows you deserve it.
Ignore the minus sign
Covering up the minus sign turns a overdraft from a harbinger of ruin into a respectable fortune. A piece of carefully-placed masking tape should do the trick, or use your thumb if caught short. If the number still makes you sad, draw an extra couple of zeroes on the end.
Put it off
Preparation is vital. You don’t want to endanger your mental wellbeing by casually looking at it after a bank-breaking night out at Wetherspoons, where you had three drinks. Instead, put it off for a day, a week or a fortnight, to give it time to heal naturally. Ideally you should only look at your balance when payday then swear off it for a month.
