YOU went to a comprehensive, lived in a terraced house and did factory jobs, but you’ve changed. Here’s how to accept that you’re middle-class now:
Set your past aside
Nobody cares that the family car in ’83 was a lime green Skoda, or that you were 28 when you first heard of Radio 4, or that you thought al fresco was a new kind of pasta. It’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at, and where you’re at is a six-bedroom Georgian vicarage with a bridge over the carp pond.
Let your culture go
Stop watching darts. Let Coronation Street go. Become a stranger to your local chip shop and never drink Fosters again. The pleasures of the proletariat are no longer yours. Get used to challenging plays at the National Theatre, Aperol spritz and sushi instead. They’re who you’ve become.
Turn the television off when you’re not watching it
Until now you’ve compromised, putting mute on so while you’re discussing whether your marriage can survive etcetera you’ve had Formula 1 to watch in the background. But your six-year-old has called a house meeting about wasting energy so now you have to turn off if you’re not actively watching, and it’s like killing an old friend.
Obsess about schools
You went to the nearest school to your house because it saved on bus fares. It was shit because school is shit. Voicing these sentiments, when your husband and two other couples are discussing free schools vs grammar schools vs multi-academy trusts, is unhelpful. You are obliged to go all in on pretending it f**king matters.
Put down that tabloid
In your circles, flicking through the Sun is like wearing a MAGA hat. You must read the Guardian, or at least the Times, now and feign interest in reviews of political biographies you’ll never read, bold new buildings you’ll never visit, and thrilling new exposés of discrimination in niche fields of the arts.
Stop talking about money
Never mention money again. You’re upsetting people, talking about how much things cost. The middle-class way is to never, ever discuss money, implying the whole grubby business is beneath you. Apart from private school fees. Moan all you like about those or no one would know your kids go there.
