subscribe
/ Sign Out

Housing boom at risk because moving is such a pain in the arse

THE UK’s housing boom could collapse as people realise what a nightmare moving is, it has been claimed.

The property boom, which is pulling Britain out of recession, has seen thousands swear to never again dismantle furniture, pack crates or spend hours on hold to broadband providers.

Tom Logan of Oxford, who recently moved from a house to a slightly larger house, said: “When I see a homeless person, I think ‘lucky bastard.’

“He only has to live in a box. I’ve got a spare room full of them, and no matter how many I open I still can’t find the toaster.”

Helen Archer of Harrogate agreed: “I have moved into the former house of evil shits who have taken all the curtains and ripped out all the light fittings

“But even though I hate this place I am never moving again. This is the house I will die in.”

Economist Dr Mary Fisher said: “The housing boom has been jointly fuelled by the Help to Buy scheme and the collapse of smartphone sales, which has turned all the cocky twats back into estate agents.

“Putting all your things into boxes is a right pain in the arse though, and even if you pay someone else to do it they break all your best stuff.”

Meanwhile the nation’s landlords have vowed to keep the rental market active by arbitrarily kicking tenants out and keeping their deposits.

Hodgson names England squad of the dead

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson has selected a World Cup team consisting entirely of undead players.

Hodgson, who was expected to mix youth and experience, has decided that using voodoo magic to resurrect Bobby Moore and Stanley Matthews is a safer bet than hoping for goals from Daniel Sturridge.

Reanimated yesterday and taking their first training session this morning, the team’s hunger for glory is matched only by their appetite for living flesh.

Hodgson said: “You can’t beat the old lads. We’ve got Nat Lofthouse and Jackie Milburn up front, Duncan Edwards in midfield and in goal Bert Trautmann, who qualifies through residency.

“They’re very disciplined in training. Never talk back and the weight’s just falling off them.”

Odds on the team, who will begin matches by clawing their way from beneath the turf as the national anthem is played backwards, have been cut to 4/1.

The press conference concluded as Hodgson’s head was ripped from his shoulders by the zombie of Brian Clough, back from the grave to do the job unfairly denied him in life.

Next story ›