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Gypsies Handed £5m To Get On Daily Mail Readers' Tits

BRITAIN'S Romany gypsies have been given a £5 million grant to do whatever they want as long as it infuriates the shit out of Daily Mail readers.

Officials hope the gypsies will use some of the money to buy land next to a cul-de-sac in Guildford where they will establish a permanent bonfire and allow their children to ride their quadbikes over local rockeries while shouting sexually explicit swearwords.

A spokesman for the Department for Persons of the Road said: "Or they could burn a massive wicker man filled with Union Jacks, Songs of Praise DVDs and Alan Titchmarsh.

"Or they could host a gay pride festival for bristly mongrel dogs dressed in burqhas and frilly suspenders. Whatever floats their boat."

June Fothergill, from Stevenage, said: "Naturally I am both shocked and disgusted that gypsies, who do nothing but bake hedgehogs in clay and use their magic to sterilise horses, should be handed a seven figure sum just to irritate my breasts.

"However, as a Daily Mail reader, I do derive sexual pleasure from being frightened and thrive on paranoid hate and ill-informed bothermongering in much the same way that a cheeseplant thrives on sunlight. So in that sense I'm a bit conflicted."

She added: "I suspect I shall have to reserve judgement until Mr Littlejohn has given me my orders."

Romany people have their own set of equally superstitious beliefs about Daily Mail readers, believing them to be a race of lesser beings who evolved from owls, sleep in bathtubs filled with liver and make ice lollies from cat urine.

Radiohead 'No-Albums' Pledge To Save Thousands Of Lives

RADIOHEAD'S pledge to stop making albums will save thousands of lives a year, experts claimed last night.

The Royal Institute of Psychiatry said that while short bursts of Radiohead were generally safe, recent studies revealed that anyone who listened to it for more than 25 uninterrupted minutes faced a substantially increased risk of wanting to hurl themselves in front of a train.

Lead singer Thohm Yhorkhe said the group may release the occasional single about the desolate bleakness of being very rich, but albums featuring 10 or more songs about middle-class alienation were a thing of the past.

He added: "We have slowly become aware that listening to me mumbling about death while Jonny kicks his guitar down an escalator is not conducive to robust mental health."

Meanwhile the Samaritans estimate the reduction in atonal tragi-pop could cut suicide attempts by 75%, though they admit this will be primarily amongst melodramatic teenagers who are unlikely to be missed.

Deputy chairman Tom Logan said the three most stressful episodes in a person's life are divorce, the death of a loved one and listening to OK Computer right through to the end.

The organisation successfully persuaded the band to release their last album, In Rainbows, via the internet amid fears the sharp edges of a CD might prove too tempting for shattered listeners.
 
Mr Logan said: "We did also ask them to change the title as it made it sound as if it might be quite jolly and pleasant, when of course it absolutely wasn't."

He added: "Our priority now is to support those people who start listening to Leonard Cohen instead, as he makes Radiohead look like KC & The Sunshine Band doing the Sesame Street song."

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