SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard makes traffic jams disappear, according to new research.
The Institute for Studies has found that long queues of vehicles disperse in mere minutes once drivers have surpassed a certain level of red-faced fury.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Exactly how it works is mysterious and possibly quantum. But the evidence that foul-mouthed screamy tantrums have a positive effect on bottlenecks, contraflows and motorway tailbacks is undeniable.
“Perhaps vitriolic screams of ‘f**kers, f**kers, f**kers’ echo throughout the universe and affect our reality. Perhaps there is a higher agency. All we know it that it works.”
Brubaker outlined the best practise for deactivating traffic jams using ‘Tantrum Theory’. He continued: “Clutch the steering wheel so hard that first your knuckles and then your entire forearms turn a deathly white. We call this ‘banking rage’.
“Then rock back and forth shouting ‘f**king typical’ and ‘shit, fucknut, arsehole, wank-bastard’ until a wiggly vein appears on your forehead. Then, and only then, repeatedly hit out at the dashboard, being careful not to activate the airbag.
“For maximum effectiveness tell anyone in the passenger seat that this is their fault and that you should have left earlier, before muttering under your breath ‘it’s always the same f**king story with you pricks, isn’t it?’.
“Following this simple process, the road will clear quickly and everything will be fine again. If it fails, repeat.”
The study also found that 78 per cent of motorway collisions are caused deliberately by motorists who just want to be annoying.
