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Father raising son to be a massive twat

A 42-YEAR-OLD man is raising his son to become a proper twat.

Nathan Muir, from Stevenage, said: “I’m dedicated to raising my son the way my father raised me and the way his father raised him.

“My son is the latest in an unbroken line of twats reaching back to the late 19th Century.”

Muir added: “I’ll teach him to interrupt, to be loud, to know better than everyone else and to be spectacularly unfunny.”

Muir’s 11-year-old son Freddie, said: “I like watching The Grand Tour and have recently played my first round of golf.”

Tapping debit card best way to get our attention, say barmaids

BARMAIDS have confirmed that repeatedly tapping your debit card on the counter is the best way to get their attention.

The light, incessant drumming fought off stiff competition from sleazy hollering, exaggerated sighing and a £20 note thrust in the face.

Barmaid Nikki Hollis said: “Even in a crowded bar on a Saturday night with the footie on, the rhythmic rapping of a debit can still be clearly heard by the bar staff. It’s like magic.

“Hitting a plastic payment card on a wooden or laminate counter is very much the thinking man’s version of clicking your fingers.

“Just one look at that EMV chip or contactless payment symbol bouncing off the bar and I know I’m dealing with a sophisticated customer who can’t afford to wait for their pint of watery booze and packet of scampi fries.

“Give it a go the next time you’re struggling to get a round in.”

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