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Everyone wondering when they can go back to not knowing what the 'DUP' is

EVERY single person in Britain is wondering when they can go back to not knowing or caring who or what the DUP is, research has confirmed.

With the ultra conservative Northern Irish Party now having some sort of daily say in British life, 100 percent of people have confirmed they genuinely wish they would just fuck right off.

Tom Booker said, “What I love about Arlene Foster is, well, I’ll be honest, I have absolutely no way of finishing that sentence. Actually, no wait, I’ve got one.

“What I love about Arlene Foster is that due to the democratic and ever changing nature of politics she will definitely, at some point in the future, definitely, definitely, have to fuck right off my TV screen.”

“And with any luck she’ll also take her hate filled, archaic, clown-shoe opinions with her.”

Emma Bradford added: “I didn’t know anything about the DUP until Theresa May shat one and had to make some sort of deal with them.”

“Now I know that they’re anti-abortion, anti-same sex marriage and they opposed the Good Friday Agreement. Well, I can see why none of my mates ever told me I should check them out.”

Martin Bishop added, “I like the look of that Sammy Wilson bloke. Actually, sorry that’s not Sammy Wilson. My TV just got stuck on an early episode of Minder which was about a dodgy second hand car dealer who spends all day in the pub drinking pints of mild but I’m sure you can understand my confusion.”

Which of his iconic lines will De Niro be pissing all over in his new Warburtons advert?

ROBERT De Niro, who for many years was considered one of the greatest actors of all time now looks set to appear in a commercial for bread makers Warburtons.

But which of his iconic lines will he be pissing all over so he can get some more money, which we’d be fucking amazed if he actually needed?

Taxi Driver
De Niro buys a loaf in a supermarket and takes it home. He puts the loaf on the side before stopping to look at it and says, ‘Are you talkin’ to bread? Well, I don’t see any other bread here. Are you talkin’ to bread?’ De Niro will then find Harvey Keitel, who instead of playing a pimp will be selling car insurance, or some shit, and instead of shooting him with a big gun, De Niro will slap him round the head with a baguette.

Heat
De Niro will be sat in a greasy spoon cafe when a waitress will put a cup of tea and some toast down in front of him. De Niro will then proceed to tell her that he ‘never lets himself get attached to any loaf of bread that he’s not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat once he feels the heat of a freshly baked loaf round the corner’.

Raging Bull
De Niro will be sat at a kitchen table across from someone who looks like Joe Pesci only it won’t be Joe Pesci because how likely are you to see Joe Pesci in a bread advert? De Niro will then proceed to ask the man, ‘Did you fuck my loaf? Did you? Did you fuck my loaf?’.

The Untouchables
As a group of Warburtons chief executives sit round a table, De Niro will walk behind one of them and say ‘Butter Up’ before then proceeding to beat the man senseless about the head with some sort of massive new Warburtons bap.

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