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Dad eyeing son's birthday Lego like lion watching unprotected young antelope

A FATHER is eyeing his son’s unopened birthday present of Lego with a predatory glint in his eye and a readiness to pounce. 

Martin Bishop, aged 38, coincidentally bought his son the £60 gift for his sixth birthday, made sure he unwrapped it without damaging the box and has kept sight of it yet in case anyone makes a threatening move.

Cracking his knuckles, Bishop said: “That’s a really thoughtful gift, that. It’ll be lovely to make it together. Though I’ll probably end up having to do most of it, as usual.”

Moving towards the Star Wars-themed model in a half-crouch he continued: “Maybe I’ll wait until he’s gone to bed then bang it out myself. It’ll be a nice surprise for him in the morning. Stop him getting bored of the build.

Leaping towards the kitchen table and snatching the box in one movement, Bishop snarled: “F**k it, I’m going to do it right now. He doesn’t even know what the Mandalorian’s Star Fighter is.”

Then pausing, as if alerted to a sudden noise in the bushes, he added: “Or should I just leave it in the packaging and put it in the loft for resale?”

Wagner Group arrives at North Yorkshire caravan park for break

THE Wagner Group of mercenaries, withdrawn from Ukraine after a brief mutiny, has arrived at a North Yorkshire caravan park for a fortnight’s break. 

The private army has commandeered all pitches with electric hook-ups for their tanks, are occupying the top four fields at Stoat’s Hollow Caravans and are keeping themselves to themselves.

Yevgeny Prigozhin said: “We’re off the frontlines of Ukraine after a tough year and we needed a break, you know? And the Yorkshire coast is lovely if you get the sun.

“What’s a tank but a campervan with armour anyway? The lads are enjoying stretching out and having a bit of a paddle, and I’m doing a barbecue later. Once a chef always a chef, you know?

“Yes, a few of them took Scarborough in a pincer movement out of habit, but they apologised and hardly anyone died. And tell me how you’re supposed to get rid of wasps without shooting them? Exactly.

“A fortnight off and we’ll be refreshed and ready to return to the fray. Why aren’t we at a Camping and Caravanning Club site? Hey, we’re amoral mercenaries, not fascists.”

He added: “Tomorrow? I’m thinking Flamingo Land.”

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