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Britons face Bank Holiday starvation threat

SUPERMARKETS have been flooded by Britons worried they may run out of food and die over the Bank Holiday weekend.

Big food shops could be closed for up to 48 hours during the jubilee weekend, so according to popular logic anyone not currently running around Sainsbury’s like a maniac risks having to eat family members in order to survive.

Retail analyst Nikki Hollis said: “Enough food to cover a Bank Holiday weekend equates to roughly 48 bags of shopping.

“After all, you don’t want to spend your precious time off work foraging for edible grasses and squeezing roots for fluid.”

Shopper Roy Hobbs said: “They say Waitrose will re-open after the Bank Holiday, but we don’t know for sure that it will.

“It could stay shut for month, weeks or even years. Eventually I would have to weld big spikes onto the bonnet of the Megane and become a sort of post-apocalyptic highwayman stealing food from unwary travellers.

“In the meantime we need enough brioche to keep our strength up.”

Supermarket patron Helen Archer said: “My husband and I have a system where we run up and down the aisles randomly grabbing things and shouting ‘area clear’ at the end of each one.

“Middle class life is a constant struggle for survival.”

 

 

Putin's Olympics tickets on eBay

TICKETS for the London 2012 Olympics belonging to Russian president Vladimir Putin are available for purchase on eBay.

The tickets, which include access to one of the three available private booths for the women’s beach volleyball at Horse Guards Parade, are listed alongside idiosyncratic descriptions believed to be written by the Russian President.

Tickets for Olympic Men’s 100m final are described as: ‘**WOW** very rare tickets right on finishing tape to see proud sons of Russia beaten by dope smoking Jamaican who has secret way of producing clean piss Happy bidding x.’

The seller, who calls himself KGB10752, denies any connection to Putin but has a registered address in Russia and has previously sold small quantities of radioactive element polonium, the Rubens painting Venus Disarming Mars looted during the Second World War, and drilling rights to 572,000 square miles of gas-rich land in the Sakhalin Oblast.

KGB10752’s feedback is 99 per cent positive, with comments including ‘ITEM 2WKS LATE, THREATENED TO HAVE ME SHOT’ and ‘AAAAAA+++++++ seller plese dont drown my baby’.

Putin, who told world leaders at last month’s G8 summit that he was too busy playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim to attend, is believed to be irritated with British attitudes to human rights abuses in Russia and the cancellation of his favourite TV show Skins.

Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev will attend the Olympics instead but has been ordered to yawn and text ostentatiously during any event that the Russians are not winning.

Olympic insiders claim that the Russian President’s refusal to attend the Olympics follows attempts to register as a wild card in the weightlifting, judo and freestyle diving events, in which Putin claimed he would ‘destroy the capitalist West’s feeble competitors with one flex of my dick’.

 

 

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