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British happiness now based mainly on suffering of others

BRITONS can now only achieve happiness while seeing others, preferably also Britons, having a total and utter nightmare. 

A new study found UK citizens derive more pleasure from seeing other humans having a horrendously stressful time than from sex, hobbies or playful interaction with baby animals.

Emma Bradford of Grantham said: “What makes me happiest? Quality time with my husband and kids, of course. By which I mean watching a couple lose hundreds of thousands while their marriage collapses on Kevin McCloud’s Rich Pricks Who Pay For Their Hubris.” 

Cheerful postman Roy Hobbs said: “Nothing gives me a warm feeling like a Bake Off contestant f**king up their spanakopita. Seeing their dream wither and die on camera right there in front of their heroes. Can’t beat it.

“I kid myself I want to see them do well. I don’t. I want to see them screw up in the most wretched manner and then curl into a gibbering foetal ball while Paul beats them with a spatula screaming ‘You vile cur’.

“Look at me, I’m smiling.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Nothing brightens our day more than the sight of someone else being goaded and prodded into a state of abject despair.

“But our happiness is not derived solely from schadenfreude and pathological misanthropy. 22 per cent of people also listed ‘meat’.”

The six most shameful things in your YouTube history

YOUR YouTube history is a disturbing archive of your most shameful viewing preferences. Here is some of the unedifying content you’ve watched.

Questionable history documentaries

An interest in the past is healthy enough. However your YouTube history is cluttered with video after video examining what the world would be like if the Nazis had won and epic essays about Hitler’s rise to power. Most unsettling of all is the fact that these were watched at 2am when you should have been watching hardcore porn instead.

Pop culture tier list rankings

Which is the best zone in Super Mario Land Two? Is the McGann Tardis interior better or worse than the Hartnell original? Terrifyingly nerdy ranking videos like this are the bread and butter of your YouTube history, and you’d rather someone read through all of your drunk texts to your ex than discover that you marathon this shit. At least have some self-respect and watch react videos instead.

Conspiracy theory bollocks

Having watched Loose Change out of idle curiosity, the YouTube algorithm has noted your interest in conspiracy theories and funnelled a shitload more your way. And being the lazy dopamine addict you are, you’ve watched videos which claim that the moon landing is a hoax and that aliens built the pyramids. The truth is that you’ve wasted dozens of hours of your one life.

Manosphere content

You claim to fundamentally disagree with everything spouted by pickup artists, Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate, so why is your history cluttered with their crap? You’ve not just watched a couple of minutes in order to know your enemy then bounced, either. According to the stats you should have deleted, you’ve sat through them from beginning to end. There may be a correlation between this and your lack of Hinge matches.

Deep dives into real-life disasters

Most people unwind after a long day with a light bit of escapism. Not you. Instead, you indulge in morbid documentaries about the Nutty Putty cave disaster and Guy Garman’s scuba diving fatality. Why not go back to basics and use YouTube for its original purpose: videos of cats falling over and the Potter Puppet Pals. They still hold up.

Shorts ripped from TikTok

If you’re going to watch short form lip-synching videos and viral dances, at least respect their creators by watching them on their native platform. You’re not better than Gen Z because you watch TikTok videos on YouTube, in fact you’re just lowly thieving scum. You wouldn’t download a sponsored ad, although mainly because they’re uniformly awful.

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