Britain Urged To Find New Reserves Of Spunk

AS the country faces a fresh wave of Arctic blizzards, Britain is being urged to tap into its massive spunk reserves.

A series of campaigns will seek to raise the nation's spirits and encourage communities to come together in an effort to boost each other's spunk levels.

Meanwhile the Daily Mail is giving away a series of spunk-inducing DVDs including Tenko, The Great Escape and This Happy Breed starring John Mills and Celia Johnson.

Editor Paul Dacre said: "When I see Charles Bronson stripped to the waist and digging that big tunnel I feel so spunky I could burst."

Meanwhile, as health secretary Alan Johnson offered to dance away the snow and ice, the government has unveiled its new pro-spunk campaign with the slogan 'Think Spunk!'.

Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman said: "When we find ourselves up against not only a global recession but also the cruel forces of nature, we must find it within ourselves to spunk in the face of adversity."

A spokesman later clarified the minister's remarks, adding: "What she meant to say was 'show spunk in the face of adversity'. The minister did not deliberately use spunk as a verb.

"However, if you decide to use spunk as a verb, rather than an abstract noun, then do please try to direct it onto untreated roads and pavements."

 

Barclays Clearly Not Run By Bankers

BARCLAYS has finally admitted it is no longer run by bankers after posting an annual profit of £6bn.

The bank said that it had replaced most of its executives about 18 months ago after realising they had no idea what they were doing.

Chairman Marcus Agius said: "During a boom, any arsehole can run a bank. But unlike our competitors we noticed quite early on that our chaps didn't have the faintest idea.

"We made the decision there and then to replace the senior management team with people who weren't utter cretins.

"Fortunately, I had just had my bathroom refurbished and the plumber was fantastic. It took him less than a week to strip out and replace the old fittings and redirect much of the existing pipework.

"When he'd finished I brought him a cup of tea and said to him 'excellent work, I don't suppose you fancy running Barclays?'."

Agius added: "Polish apparently. I think his name's 'Lech', or 'Lev'. Or maybe it was 'Lenny'."

Lech Warislavski, the plumber turned banking executive, said: "It very easy. You are lending moneys to peoples who can pay back and charging as much of the interests as can get away with.

"At same time you no go round buying up load of rubbish debt when market about to go down what we plumber call the 'shitbox'.

"It no take big brain. All you need is calculator, pencil and 12 metre of good copper pipe."