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Brexit 50p coins 'can be sharpened and thrown at the rats trying to steal your last potato'

THE new Brexit 50p coin will be a vital weapon against the vermin trying to steal your meagre scraps, it has emerged.

Economists have praised the government for issuing the small pieces of metal that once sharpened could prove deadly against large rodents, as well as small badgers and foxes.

Julian Cook, from Roehampton University, said: “From next March, hoard or steal as many coins as you can, and then get yourself a really good quality sharpening stone.

“The stone will become your best friend.”

He added: “Divide your pile of coins in two. Use one half as your anti-rat arsenal and the other half to buy paracetamol from Belgian smugglers.”

Meanwhile, Brexiters have also welcomed the plans but have pledged to walk around with the commemorative coins glued to their foreheads.

We're in this f**king mess because Ed Miliband eats bacon like a horse, confirm experts

BRITAIN is fucked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.

New research has shown the UK would not be facing an economic and social nightmare if Ed Miliband did not eat sandwiches like a baby camel with dry mouth attempting to choke down an entire pack of Ryvita.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If they’d put a large sack over his head and let him eat his sandwich in peace, then none of this would have happened. At the very least it would have prevented a Tory majority.

“Or they could have just blended his sandwich into a meaty milkshake and made him sip it through a straw.

“Instead we’re discussing whether insulin is absolutely necessary and how much of the M20 should be turned into a carpark.”

Miliband, who now eats all his food from a hessian sack as a matter of principle, thinks the public would have warmed to it.

He added:”By my second term you’d barely even think it was weird.”

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