subscribe
/ Sign Out

1980s named best decade for doing coke

A NATIONWIDE survey has confirmed that the 1980s were easily the greatest decade for the snorting of cocaine. 

The survey, commissioned by Channel 4 for the upcoming Drugs of the Decades Saturday night countdown show criticised as ‘comfort viewing’, found that cocaine was never better than when snorted under the influence of synthpop and Thatcherism.

Presenter Michael Gove said: “Cocaine began in the 1970s, of course, but only achieved greatness when it broke out of the claustrophobic New York scene and went global.

“It hit Britain like a tidal wave. Classy, consumerist and oh-so-moreish, coke fitted perfectly with the red braces of the yuppies and the big chords of yacht rock. Every broad chalk stripe on a baggy Italian suit looked like an invitation to do blow – and was.

“To be on the City floor, buzzing on beak, when the 1986 Big Bang hit with the Communards riding high in the charts, was very heaven itself. I tell you, it didn’t get better. I’m still coming down.”

The 70s were named the best decade for marijuana, the 90s the best decade for ecstasy, and the 2010s the best for nitrous oxide, with shows presented by Peter Gabriel, Shaun Ryder and Spurs midfielder Yves Bissouma respectively.

Nathan Muir, aged 62, said: “Yeah, yeah, in London they were all coked up. Up here in Bolton we were still making do with wizz and squidgy black right into 1991.”

Monogamy easy in winter, say men

MEN have admitted that remaining committed to one woman is far easier during winter months without all these bare legs and cleavages. 

Across Britain and in holiday destinations across Europe, men have confirmed that the laissez-faire approaches to monogamy in sun-soaked countries makes sense after only a few days of watching lithe young women wearing mini skirts in Aldi.

Horny husband Tom Logan said: “In a British winter, it’s so chilly and drizzly my chief erotic fantasy is persuading a young woman to remove her duffel coat.

“Fidelity’s fine when when everyone’s in jumpers so thick you can’t tell who’s got tits. The problem comes when it warms up, and the streets are a lascivious carousel of short shorts and halters you can stare at behind your mirrored sunglasses.

“How am I meant to remain true to in my heart when there’s a redhead running her tongue around an ice-cream two sunbeds away? How can I avoid thinking of other women during sex when that Italian girl keeps bending over? It’s unfair.

“I always thought the Spanish and French were that way because of a lack of moral fibre. Now I realise the rise in polyamory isn’t because of liberated ideas about relationships, but global warming.”

Wife Alice Logan said: “While conversely, the more British men I see with their tops off the less sex I want, ever.”

Next story ›