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Why it takes us five whole days to reply to your messages: The pathetic excuses of slow texters

PEOPLE who take 120 hours to send one-word replies to texts may seem like piss-takers, but they have their flimsy reasons. Such as these…

We were crafting the perfect response

You may think it would only take two seconds to type ‘cool’ and tap send, but you’re wrong. We mull over our words like craftsmen, sweating every detail from the capitalisation to the lack of punctuation. It may take us a while to refine our replies to perfection, but you’re left with an artisan text you can treasure forever. You’re welcome.

We didn’t want to look overly keen

Replying to a text immediately is pathetic. It makes you look as if you have nothing better to do with your life than to stay in contact with your friends. By taking five business days to respond we create an air of cool indifference. Would Steve McQueen have responded to texts immediately? We think not. Unless Ali McGraw told him to stop being a wanker. And the history of technology had been entirely different.

We didn’t think it was urgent

Oh, you needed to know immediately if we could give you a lift into town? Why didn’t you say? We thought it was just a general inquiry which could be responded to at a leisurely pace. In future, please write ‘This is an emergency, reply now’, otherwise how are we to know? We’ll do our best to get back to you in three days instead.

We’re trying to hark back to a simpler time

A time before texts and emails. A time when messages were written by hand and posted in letterboxes or delivered by horse. The world was a better place back then if you ignore all the societal problems. By taking nearly a week to reply we’re bringing those good old days back. Like the Amish, except without the silly hats and crazy beards.

We like to build suspense

Anticipation is more exciting than the main event. Look at Jaws. We know you’re dying to find out if we can make it to the pub tonight or if we’re going to the cinema at the weekend, but where’s the fun in telling you straight away? Keeping you hanging generates a buzz, especially if we type for a few seconds without actually sending a message. It’ll make our eventual reply of ‘maybe’ all the more thrilling.

How to get that hot Elon Musk look

HE’S the bullish tech billionaire turning heads and defunding federal agencies in the White House, but how can you capture that maverick Musk charm? Follow these tips:

Dark MAGA hat

How to reconcile self-proclaimed genius and plans for a utopian world with backing a blustering moron for president? It’s very simple – get a black hat! That makes Elon Dark MAGA, rather than the ordinary red MAGA, and means he’s sophisticated and has great motives for tearing down democracy! Gothic lettering optional.

Hair transplant (black)

He is unlike ordinary men, a cyborg with bionic enhancements, and nowhere is that more visible than Elon’s head. A 53-year-old man who was once visibly balding – now with a full head of black hair? How? Because the future is here and real. To replicate this at home, first suffer from male pattern baldness, then spend approximately $18m on hiding it.

Tech T-shirt (black)

A standard Metallica T-shirt is not for the world’s richest man. No, when you’re a multi-billionaire who can buy a country, only a faded black tee given away free at a conference for network engineers will show you’re still down with your people; men who find human interaction to be ultimately not as satisfying as an eight-monitor set-up.

Expensive coat or jacket (black)

Coats are necessary. They protect against rain. But according to experts in their field, there is also a style element? As a kindness, Elon allows his team to choose his top layer and grants them an unlimited budget. And, to their credit, he does cut a figure that could grace the cover of a 1995 Polish reprint of a cyberpunk novel, so you should do the same.

Jeans (black)

No messing about down below. Jeans are hardwearing, cool and need no ironing. Choose any colour you like, as long as it’s black! Henry Ford said that, and he was an incredibly successful car manufacturer who ploughed millions into propaganda for Hitler. Funny little historical echo, that.

Bespoke sneakers (black)

Finally, finish the look with a pair of sneakers bearing your businesses’ logos. Whether Tesla Air Jordans, SpaceX New Balance, The Boring Company Vans or I Freeze My Sperm To Seed The Stars With Tech Dorks Adidas Gazelles, wear whatever you’ve spent thousands on creating. Congratulations, you look like Elon! The girls will come running.

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