IT’S impossible to ignore the homoerotic overtones of Trump’s adulation for Putin. If you’re a MAGA type feeling aroused by it too, here’s how to bury your unwanted feelings of gayness.
Do aggressively heterosexual things
You need to demonstrate to the world that you’re not thinking gay thoughts about Donald gently running his hand up Vlad’s inner thigh while getting a boner yourself, so do performatively macho things like putting stupidly large wheels on your pickup, or emptying 30 rounds from an AR-15 into a squirrel. Although as a MAGA you probably do this anyway.
Pray the gay away
This is scientifically proven to eradicate gayness. As any pastor will tell you, the exact words of your prayer don’t matter, because they don’t want to alienate inarticulate, thick-as-pigshit Christians. Keep it simple and heartfelt, eg. ‘Lord, grant me the strength to not imagine Putin’s big throbbing cock in my mouth.’ Remember Jesus and the Big Guy love you, but not in a sexual way that might lead to a smoking hot threesome.
Be in a state of deep denial
Train yourself to think that when Trump gazes at Putin with a look of helpless adoration it’s just two regular guys with a lot of respect for each other. Or if they hold hands like smitten teenagers it’s just confident alpha male behaviour. Be so deep in denial that even if you walked in on a naked Trump biting a pillow with an equally naked Putin thrusting away on top of him, you’d firmly believe Vlad was just showing Donnie one of his advanced KGB jiu-jitsu moves.
Overcompensate in your interactions with women
A great way to pretend you’re not gay is to be hypersexual with women. Make obscene tongue gestures like the truck driver in Thelma & Louise, or bellow unpleasant, slightly confusing sexual comments, such as, ‘Suck on a dose of my man-meat, bitch!’ What could be more heterosexual than interacting with women in a way that totally guarantees they will not have sex with you?
Fight intrusive thoughts
The sexual tension between Trump and Putin is so tangible it’s hard not to imagine them tearing off each other’s clothes and frantically making love like a version of Brokeback Mountain that’s even harder to watch with your parents. If you find yourself aroused by such thoughts, use aversion therapy techniques such as hitting your erect penis with a ruler, hard. This definitely won’t lead to some strange sexual predilections in the future.
Have sex with men
Many Republican politicians and fundamentalist Christian preachers have found that regularly having sex with men works wonders against being gay. You’re simply bravely researching the horrors of sodomy and the sordid twilight world of rent boys and gay bars. It’s like the great general Sun Tzu said: ‘Know your enemy. And get him to suck you off.’
