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Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempt to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.

Using a powerful IBM super-computer researchers have shown that the earliest words used by man were 'I', 'we', 'two', 'three' and 'how do you know until you've tried it?'.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Early man has invited two girls round to his cave for a typical Friday night get-together of meat, fire and a few pints of fermented yak juice.

"Once everyone is nice and relaxed he passes them a small fragment of bark on which he has scrawled some rudimentary stick figures communicating his desire to have grunty sex with both of them at the same time.

"Despite his exuberant hand gestures the women giggle but look confused at which point early man, feeling the moment slip away from him, utters homo sapiens' first momentous words 'I… we… two… three', quickly followed by 'oh go on'."

Professor Brubaker added: "We'll never know if he succeeded, but a little bit of me likes to believe that he did."

The study also revealed that the next eight words used by humans were 'with cheese', 'feels like flu' and 'celebrity wardrobe malfunction'.

Using the same computer programme researchers are also predicting that a number of common words and phrases will soon become extinct including 'unarmed 12 year-old', 'common decency' and 'can you believe I only paid £150,000 and now it's worth three-quarters of a million'.

Brown Refuses To Hand Back Pension

GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.

The prime minister said: "I've been building up this pension since I became an MP, it's all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I've been catastrophically bad at my job and you're looking for a scapegoat. What gives?"

He added: "Yes I've been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off."

Brown's £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling's inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national scandal for 10 years.

Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, something called 'Hilary Armstrong' has £1.2m and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what any of them actually did.

Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.

Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: "It's a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being fucked at both ends."

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