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Period-tracking app lets boyfriend know when he will be a selfish arsehole

AN APP which tracks his partner’s menstrual cycle is helping a man predict when he will be an insensitive dick who thinks only of himself. 

Nathan Muir downloaded the £2.99 app so he would have an advance warning of those periods when everything he does is unbearable and repulsive.

He said: “It’s better that it’s not so out of the blue, you know? Like I walk in one night and suddenly I’m a complete bastard.

“Now, I see on my phone that I’m just an intolerable, smug wanker from Thursday, fading into just being a inconsiderate fuckhead by the weekend, and I can plan around it.

“These apps must have saved tens of thousands of men from becoming trapped in arguments they don’t, and will never, understand.

“I get that alert and I go to watch a film on my own or to a mate’s or even my mum’s. It’s great to be in a mature relationship where I can avoid all conflict as a matter of course.”

Girlfriend Ellie said: “Or, he could just ask how I am.”

Part-time DJ also full-time twat

A MAN who introduces himself as a ‘part-time DJ’ manages to also hold down a full-time position as a twat. 

Tom Logan, aged 25, tells friends, colleagues, acquantainces, shop assistants and strangers in the pub that he ‘works’ playing music for others, a statement which thus far has impressed literally nobody.

Sister Jenny Logan said: “If Tom put in as many hours on the decks as he puts in banging on about being on the decks he’d be fucking Deadmaus.

“Unfortunately I’m not really sure the DJing is ever going to become his main occupation as he likes to claim because he’s simply too busy being a wanker.

“I’ve been to bars where he’s performed – it’s not like he’s in a band, there’s only so badly you can fuck up playing other people’s music – and I’ll be honest, he even DJs like a knob.

“It shows an amazing work ethic to manage to balance being a below-average insurance administrator, a piss-average DJ and a complete and unmitigated prick.”

Tom said: “I’m basically Calvin Harris, but I earn £25 per night if the bar take’s above £500. But I doubt Calvin could also secure a promotion to executive administrator at a mid-range insurance firm.”

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