YOUR child’s room is a shit tip, but their Minecraft inventory is meticulously organised into elements, ores and enchanted bullshit. And they can do this:
Close doors
In your house every door to the outside world swings freely to and fro, taunting you. In your eight-year-old’s Minecraft house every door is fastidiously checked for fear of zombies and spiders getting in, even though the size of your upcoming heating bill is far more terrifying.
Organise shit
Your child’s bedroom is a swamp of unwashed underwear, discarded toys and dirty plates, but on Minecraft they’re Marie f**king Kondo. They can’t find their homework but put them in the virtual world and they can assemble the ingredients for a Nether portal in seconds.
Take care of pets
Kids love to play with pets until they need help with their actual basic functions like shitting or eating. Then it’s your job. Online, however, they’ll nurture every animal under the sun. Herobrine the hamster would be pissed off to see the attention those pixelated f**kers get.
Cut the grass
Even straight bribery doesn’t get a child anywhere near a dull menial task that, worst of all, is done outside. But in a land of blocks their lawns are neat and endless while your own garden remains a raggedy shitheap used as a toilet by the neighbourhood cats.
Cook
Children act like removing cereal from a cupboard is impossibly arduous and stare into fridges with bewildered incomprehension. The thought of making toast leaves them in a cold sweat. But they’ll call you into the room to see the unreal pumpkin pie they’ve carefully crafted in a world where it doesn’t f**king matter.
