Museum to remove size zero dinosaur

LONDON’S Natural History Museum will remove a fat-shaming dinosaur exhibit, it has confirmed.

For decades the slender diplodocus, with every single one of its ribs visible, has greeted visitors with its trim and once-enviable late-Jurassic physique.

But campaigners have long argued that it sent out the wrong message about what constitutes a healthy exhibit and caused people to judge woolly mammoths harshly.

Curator Wayne Hayes said: “The diplodocus skeleton set an unattainable standard in 180ft-long sauropod beauty.

“Fashions change in the museum world, and we need to reflect that with a massive dead animal that celebrates its natural curves.”

From 2017 the diplodocus will be replaced by a blue whale, which curators believe more accurately reflects modern Britain with its unfocused spirituality, constant consumption and thick layer of blubber.

Hayes continued: “We’ve had the whale in storage since 1891 but the public just weren’t ready to accept the voluptuous beauty of a size-4,820 exhibit before now.

“Dippy the diplodocus is a product of its time, 65 million years ago, when society believed you could never be too thin or have too long a neck.”

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Midlands earthquake leaves trail of pound shops and coffee chains

AN earthquake in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

Yesterday’s quake, measuring 3.8 on the Richter scale, was thought to have been too small to cause any damage until TV footage of the grim, hopeless towns of Oakham and Kettering was screened.

Relief co-ordinator Bill McKay said: “What we are seeing in Kettering is just hideous.

“Charity shops, catalogue remainder shops, the kind of department stores everyone thought closed in the 1970s with names like Gibbonson’s, and everywhere human flotsam and jetsam carrying whatever they’d managed to salvage in plastic bags.

“This isn’t survivable. Even though the residents are reluctant to leave their hovels we’re shipping everyone to Leicester for their own safety.”

Cash has been pouring in to the relief fund after harrowing TV reports, and when the target of £3.8 million is met the towns will be leveled by bulldozers and rebuilt from scratch.

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