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Man's augmented reality device is eight pints

A MAN has recreated Apple’s new augmented reality headset on the cheap by drinking eight pints, it has emerged.

Early adopter Martin Bishop has dodged the £2,849 price tag of the Apple Vision Pro by swiftly necking 154 fluid ounces of five per cent bitter on an empty stomach to achieve similar, reality-enhancing results.

He said: “I’ve saved myself well over two and a half grand, plus I don’t look like a prick wearing ski goggles. Checkmate, Apple.

“My gadget might take a bit longer to kick in, but the results speak for themselves. Users can still see the real world while in a better one where they are supremely confident, effortlessly hilarious, and all the women look hotter and are into you.

“There are no updates to download, the battery lasts all day if you pace yourself, it’s intuitive to use and safeish for kids. Just think about unwisely buying fags or texting your ex and you’ve already done it ten minutes ago. 

“Admittedly the tech leaves people unable to function properly for a day after using it, but this is just a teething issue. The first iPhone didn’t even have GPS.”

London-based drinker Donna Sheridan said: “Eight pints for less than £2,849?”

Six other things Holly Willoughby should apologise for while she's at it

IF Holly Willoughby is issuing heartfelt apologies for stuff she apparently knew nothing about, perhaps she should say sorry for these too: 

Genocide

If you’re apologising for events you were not involved in and had no knowledge of, start big. Forget your co-star’s infidelity and get right in there with apologies for the slave trade, the Armenian genocide, everything under the Nazi umbrella and the Vietnam war. Or, by not apologising, is Holly saying she’s not sorry?

Racism

And, once she’s made amends for ethnic slaughter, Willoughby needs to consider its causes. We need her on that sofa giving a full apology for racism, colonialism, homophobia, transphobia and misogyny. Not just empty words either. She needs to tell us what she’s going to do to fix it.

9/11

Have you ever heard Willoughby say a single world about the September 11 terrorist attacks? So much as breathe a ‘good riddance’ when Bin Laden was killed? Surely she wasn’t on her couch cheering when it happened? If she really had nothing to do with it, why hasn’t she said anything?

GoBots

A whole generation that wanted Transformers were given GoBots, their cheaper, shitter equivalent, and remains scarred. Holly had nothing to do with it and is no doubt ignorant so by her logic she’s in the frame for an apology. And compensation, and a buyback scheme.

The School For Stars series of children’s books

Supposedly written by Holly and her sister Kelly, it’s reasonable to assume that This Morning’s now lone anchor had nothing to do with them and barely even knew about them. And given they’re a shite hybrid of boarding school and Fame that celebrates friendship, an apology seems well overdue.

F**king over a close friend for the sake of your career

Credit to her, Holly appeared to have no idea she’d done this. Thoroughly convinced that she was the real victim of events, the presenter was oblivious to the fact that a close friend had lost everything and was at the lowest point of his life. Sorry!

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