GOOGLE has released the UK’s most frequent search terms of 2024, no, not the porn ones. The results will surprise and depress everyone:
‘Ketchup bottle stuck in rectum’
2024’s most popular object to have become wedged beyond the sphincter muscle was the classic glass Heinz Ketchup bottle, but sexually adventurous Brits also experimented with avocados, wine bottles and in one case a chiminea.
‘How to get Oasis tickets or are they shit’
The Oasis reunion generated massive interest until many, halfway through the process, remembered they were crap after their second album. Then paid between £300 and £14,000 for tickets regardless.
‘Rizz’
Millions of people looked up this Gen Z slang term, though within six months it was forgotten and may never have existed. Using it today would sound as unnatural as ‘I’m hip to that crazy beat, daddy-o.’
‘What is an election?’
Worryingly, this search peaked the day following the general election, suggesting millions had voted without any idea what it was. Possibly some sort of lottery? Voters seeking to learn more about democracy also searched for ‘Angela Rayner muff shot’ and ‘When does Farage open the camps?’
‘Fred West not guilty?’
A wave of Netflix true crime shows means Britons now believe every murder is a wrongful conviction, and perceptive viewers like themselves can overturn injustice while sitting on the sofa eating biscuits.
‘What’s at the end of space?’
The eternal puzzler which people routinely ask the internet; you’ve done it yourself. The boring answer is ‘It’s probably infinite’. And if your own experience is anything to go by, the next search will be ‘hot milfs’.
‘Is Dune a true story?’
The release of Dune: Part Two revealed some cinemagoers were unsure if the film depicted real events. The giant sandworms and space travel did not disabuse them. Though morons have been asking if The Exorcist is true for decades, so don’t blame the ignorant youth.
‘Can you go to prison for murder?’
A worrying search which suggests many murders may be going undetected, but mainly because it suggests millions of Britons have less understanding of their world than cattle and vacantly blunder through life relying on pictorial instructions and guesses.
‘Sydney Sweeney bra size’
An absolute media obsession prompted millions of Britons to do their own research. Probably 32D, she’s only five foot two, the norks aren’t as enormous as is claimed. Think of it in these terms and you’re just verifying facts for yourself in an era of fake news. You’re practically BBC Verify.
