ON Saturday, the unthinkable happened. TikTok went dark in the US. Millions had nothing but words and images to scroll. And it could happen again, so learn from me.
Picture this scene, if you dare: after a long hard day of vaping and sharing memes over WhatsApp, you go to log into TikTok only to find that it’s not there anymore. Instead, it’s been cruelly yanked off like a good film from Netflix or your dad when he’s horny.
That’s the grim future which awaits us, but I’m ready. Over the weekend I decided to simulate a TikTok ban, and I learnt that it’s as easy to get through as a sped-up Olivia Rodrigo song.
With a few clicks, I realised that there’s actually other content on the internet which fries your dopamine receptors. YouTube Shorts and Instagram Explore are basically TikTok’s reheated leftovers, meaning you can continue to waste your life doomscrolling.
And believe it or not, there are actually news websites which contain short videos with arresting content. Clicking around through the BBC homepage then bouncing over to PornHub on a loop was almost like homemade TikTok, and obscurely comforting.
Even archaic technology can be useful. Most homes contain a television and many, due to a quirk of the elderly, don’t just stream but have ‘channels’. Flick through randomly for six hours and you’ll be surprised at how comfortingly disordered your thoughts are.
Feeling brave? Then venture outside and create your own TikTok by asking someone to do something, watching it through your phone then when boredom sets in after 20 seconds pivoting to another person and repeating your request. It’s vapid and treats people like nothing but objects, just like your favourite app!
Anyway, I’ve still got TikTok, so I have no further need for interaction. Not when one of my favourites is pretending to be a woman by placing a towel atop his head. Ah, all human life is here.
