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Woman finds even better soulmate

A WOMAN who believed she had already found the one has been pleasantly surprised to find a significant upgrade. 

While some spend a lifetime searching for that one true partner with whom they can unconditionally be accepted as themselves, 32-year-old Susan Traherne has not only met one but then met a second, better one.

She said: “When I met Martin I felt the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was my fractured life suddenly fall into place. I was complete.

“We had so much in common, from values to interests, were so sexually compatible and never got bored of talking. I knew it was him. I knew it was always.

“Then Tim and I bumped into each other, literally, on a train, and realised you can have more than one soulmate in this life and the second one can be taller, younger and have the most beautiful green eyes.

“Regretfully, I don’t think Martin will find it as euphorically miraculous as I and Tim have, so I’ll be letting him down gently. Still maybe he’s got another soulmate out there, too!

“Though worse than me. She’ll be a downgrade from me.”

Man weirdly passionate about dog keeping its balls

A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood. 

Joe Turner and girlfriend Eleanor Shaw acquired a puppy last year, but she admits being unaware that its genitalia would become psychologically linked with his own.

Turner said: “A woman would never understand – but how could I do that to another bloke? It’s all we have.

“What would other men think about me if they see me walking around with a eunuch on a lead? I’d be rightly ostracised by for failing to protect my own dog’s manhood.

“Personally, no matter how much damage it causes, I believe every male deserves to keep its bollocks, whether dog, ferret or woodlouse. And I’m uncomfortable with the precedent. If we get rid of the dog’s balls, then whose balls are next?”

Shaw said: “I’m not waging a war on masculinity. I’m trying to stop a Golden Retriever bolting into traffic because he’s detected a bitch on heat a mile away.

“I have no plans to cut off Joe’s balls. Instead, as we grow into the full flowering of our relationship, I shall blithely ignore them.”

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