subscribe
/ Sign Out

Everyone urged to pretend HS2 is a good idea

THE government is calling for a consensus on pretending a new high speed rail link will not be a gigantic waste of money.

Downing Street is concerned that some people are still refusing to ignore the obvious drawbacks of the multi-trillion pound catastrophe-in-waiting.

Prime minister David Cameron said: “It would be much easier for me, personally, if everyone could change their opinion. Even if they don’t really mean it.

“Go on, just say that you like it. And even if you still think it will be utterly pointless, at least say that you think the trains look fancy.

“Then I can convince myself that we are in complete agreement.”

Mr Cameron is calling on Britain to ‘dig deep’ and find ‘new reserves of self-delusion’.

He added: “Britain doesn’t need to be brilliant, it just needs to pretend that it is.”

Leaf-blowing not as much fun as it looks

BLASTING leaves with a handheld air cannon is surprisingly frustrating, it has been claimed.

Financial advisor Tom Booker, who’d watched men blowing leaves about for years and thought it looked great fun, regrets purchasing a leaf blower.

He said: “Even getting one leaf to go where you want it to go takes up to an hour, during which you’ll have scattered all the other leaves.

“In future, whenever someone uses the metaphor ‘it’s like herding cats’ I’ll correct them with ‘no, it’s like blowing leaves’.”

The leaf-blower will join other devices in Booker’s garage which looked like a laugh and turned out not to be, including a strimmer, a pressure washer and an orbital sander.

Leaf-blowing father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “My wife says the only reason I like holding a large tubular buzzing device at groin level is because I wish I had a big cock.

“And she is correct.”

Professional gardener Nathan Muir said: “If you actually want to clear up leaves, I recommend a device that we in the trade call ‘a broom’.”

Next story ›