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Entire world broken by shit update

A FAULTY software update has crippled banking, airlines, trains and everything else that runs on Windows, it has emerged.

The world as we know it is coming to an end not because a missile defence system has gained self-awareness but because an update was pushed out before it was ready and now civilisation is over.

The NHS is no longer functioning, nobody can work, capitalism has broken down and soon we will all be living in yurts while sieving through mud for scraps of edible vegetation.

IT consultant Joe Turner said: “F**king Windows. I always knew it would doom us all.

“Yeah, everything’s going. We in the IT business have long predicted this and requested extra funding, but we have beards and ironic Led Zeppelin-Q*bert mash-up T-shirts so nobody listened to us.

“By tonight your phone will be dead and by Monday all cars will be immobile, all communications networks crashed and we’ll be living in an agrarian, feudal society with a life expectancy of roughly 45. I dare say many of us will be happier.

“MacBook owners will be unaffected, retreat to a high-technology enclave behind smooth white walls and colonise the stars. They’ve been planning this for ages. Smug pricks.”

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This is the most rewarding part of the job, say teachers

BRITAIN’S teachers are basking in the satisfaction of the summer holidays, which they agree is the most rewarding part of their job.

Teachers, who actually get far more gratification from not working than instilling a lifelong love of learning in children, are feeling humbled by the prospect of a month and a half of doing bugger all.

Year 5 teacher Julian Cook said: “Six weeks of lie-ins during the nicest time of the year? Jobs don’t get more fulfilling than that.

“Sometimes, during the daily grind of trying to get through to a room full of 30 screeching little shits, I admit I do question why I’m in this profession. But it’s times like this, on the brink of freedom, when it all feels worthwhile.”

Secondary school teacher Susan Traherne said: “This is the reason I got into teaching. Not for the impact I make on kids or the salary, which are both practically meaningless. 

“No, I’m in it for the warm, fuzzy feeling which comes from telling non-teachers that the year is about to end and watching their jealous, sickened faces.

“The only reason they don’t mention the summer holidays in adverts for teachers is that the industry would be swamped with applicants. This is also why we pretend marking is really difficult when it’s actually a piece of piss.”

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