THE first UK and Ireland TikTok Awards are here, and what a feast of quality they promise to be. These are the categories:
Best Allegedly Satisfying Thing
Squishing M&Ms in an industrial press? Cutting a bar of soap into neat slices with a craft knife? Are they satisfying? If your only frame of reference is watching TikTok videos, perhaps. They can’t beat your living room a quick tidy, or masturbation.
Best Shouty Blonde Moron
Who is this 22-year-old? Why is she so aggrieved by commonplace problems? Sometimes supermarkets have queues, it’s the same for everyone. And why is she SHOUTING? She’s immensely popular; odd considering your instinctive reaction is ‘Shut the f**k UP!’
Best Food Hack Requiring More Effort Than Ordinary Cooking
TikTokers are convinced they’ve discovered culinary techniques that have eluded centuries of cooks, such as putting dried pasta in a dish with litres of tomato sauce and water and baking for hours instead of cooking it in a pan. The favourite to win is trimming pizzas into squares, folding them, slathering them in butter and cooking them in a sandwich toaster instead of just turning the oven on.
Best Pointless Thing Done To Music
Inventing a viral dance to K-Pop? Miming a Taylor Swift hit with weird faces Taylor doesn’t pull? All worthless, all TikTok content at its best. Sadly.
Best Obscure Marvel Lore Summary
TikTok is there to fill important gaps in your knowledge, such as being unaware that Ant-Man killed an evil version of Sue Storm in an alternate universe after she used mind control to make him cheat on the Wasp in a 2002 comic only 300 people bought, and only ten read.
Best ‘Who?’
A common question with TikTok stars. Especially when you look someone up and his only content appears to be him going up to people in the street and shaking their hand while wearing oversized hip-hop fashions. A fiercely contested category.
Best F**king On a Computer Game
Found a way to exploit the flawed mechanics of a computer game? Perhaps you’re committing genocide in Red Dead Redemption II, or parking your speeder in Star Wars Outlaws and causing a massive tailback of vehicles? Document it on TikTok, the British Library of inconsequential shit.
Best Unboxing Video
No TikTok awards would be complete without unboxing videos. It’s the ultimate existential question: what’s in the box? Grooming products, or trainers? Wait, you took some trainers you’d bought out of a box recently yourself! No wonder these videos are popular – they’re so relatable!
Best Rambling Incoherently in Car
The 4,000 shortlisted entries range from ‘MardyWorkingMum’, who has feelings about short-stay car parks, to ‘Truthseeker Pete’ demanding the government release its UFO files. Either way, they’ll keep making this shit while knobheads keep watching it.
