COUNCILS across England considering moving refuse collections to once every four weeks have been asked to do the exact opposite. 

Taxpayers sick of living with human-sized bins of filthy, disease-spreading shit outside their homes have suggested it may even be good for ‘public health’, a largely discredited Victorian concept, to collect them more frequently.

Dr Joseph Turner said: “Cholera, typhus, the bubonic plague. Sound outdated and boring, don’t they? But amazingly they’re still around and often fatal.

“And I just worry, as a medical professional, that our current trajectory of allowing food to rot for a month while also polluting our waterways with raw sewage could in rebound on us in a very old-fashioned, though not nostalgic, way.”

Bill McKay of Bristol: “Because I’ve been alive in England for more than 20 minutes I really don’t expect very much from my local authority.

“But I do think, as I am giving them £2,100 a year, I would like it to motivate them to regularly collect bags of tiny but virulent organisms that given the opportunity would effectively cause me to melt from the inside out.

“Do that, keep the roads paved, perhaps send the police to one in three burglaries, and they can go around setting up trans basketball teams all they f**king like.”