AI: can it wank me off?

15th July 2023

THE world is alive with questions about AI. Will it replace creativity? Eliminate white-collar jobs? Cause war? But nobody has asked the key question: will it wank me off?

They said marvellous things about this information superhighway back in the 1990s. And, fair play, it’s delivered porn not only to the beige desktop in my spare bedroom but to my very pocket.

But at the end of the day, who’s tugging at my tired old member? Not the computer. Not the iPhone, even if it’s one of these latest ones and I’m Android anyway. No, it’s Muggins here.

So when I hear them talking about how bloody great this generative AI’s going to be with its machine learning but not one word about digital genital manipulation, I see straight through it. I know we’re getting one more great leap forward that won’t touch my cock.

It’s not like it’s a complex operation or takes particularly long. A quick shuffle and it’s all over. Granted you can’t grip too hard or too lightly, but that’s all in a day’s work for AI.

I clearly remember seeing a prototype device on Tomorrow’s World way back in the 1980s, same episode they did the barcodes on, though I’ve contacted the BBC and apparently that one was wiped.

So instead of creating new diseases or controlling weather, let’s train AI on thousands of hours of tugjob footage. Show it every hand shandy going. If it wants to surreptitiously access every laptop camera in the world to further its learning journey, I’ve no objections.

And by the year 2025 let’s unveil an AI that will give me the wank of the century first time out. Let’s get technology working for the common man for a bloody change. Eh?

Nine great things to worry yourself senseless about, by a bridal magazine

15th July 2023

YOU aren’t just a woman who is engaged to be married, you are a bride! Here’s what you must now have a nervous breakdown over, according to a bridal magazine:

Where are all your cute, personalised details?

You thought hiring a venue and inviting everyone you loved was all a wedding really needed, but you now realise you forgot the handwritten notes of appreciation at each of the 300 guests’ table settings. You thoughtless monster.

Your signature scent

Any fool can decide on a colour scheme, but your special day also needs a signature scent. What do you mean, you got one but too late to spray it on the invitations? Your guests will notice and mutter about what a shambolic hostess you are.

Are your bridesmaids invested enough in your big day?

No, your old school friends can’t just wear the dresses you inflicted on them. They should also each compose a poem about your brilliance and read it on the day, while sobbing with joy at their luck for knowing you. Oh, and they shouldn’t lose too much weight, either. You have to look better than them in the photos.

Is your late night snack the right kind of snack?

You thought a pizza delivery at 11pm was a great idea, but now realise you should have gone for organic local pate with sourdough bread, which would have been much more in line with the rustic chic theme. What if someone raises their eyebrows at your lack of a coherent vision for the event?

What does your confetti say about you?

Rice will kill birds and paper is just littering, so it has to be dried rose petals. And not imported tat from China but ones you lovingly picked yourself from bushes in your own garden. So you’d better go back in time three years to start growing them.

Why isn’t everything recycled?

Just because sourcing lots of different antique fabrics and spending weeks making 300 metres of bunting would have been a pain in the arse, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have done it. You don’t really care about this wedding, do you?

Where is your personalised cocktail?

You can’t get married without a special signature cocktail with elements representing your journey as a couple. It will be a disaster. You might as well call it all off and stay single.

Why isn’t your dress vintage?

The woman in the bridal magazine is wearing her grandmother’s vintage lace dress. You did ask your family for precious heirlooms but all your grandma had was a polyester monstrosity from the seventies and an M&S cardigan.

What’s your brand identity as a couple?

Obviously you need an Instagram account for the special day, and maybe a simple logo. The first post should be a video of your partner proposing. What, he didn’t record it? He says that at that precise moment in time he wasn’t thinking about your socials? Why exactly are you marrying this person?