YOUR mum and dad are ancient, so there’s no way they can still be having marital relations at their age – or can they? Find out with our fun quiz.
How old are they?
A) Mid-40s. They had me in their 20s and I’m at uni now. I’ve no younger siblings so I’m pretty sure conceiving me was the last time they did it. Thank God.
B) Just turned 60. So their reproductive organs must have ceased functioning at least ten years ago. My mum’s not a sex-crazed freak of nature like Madonna.
Is the romance still alive?
A) Surprisingly, yes. It was their anniversary recently and they went on a ‘date night’, which made me gag a bit. I offered to come home for the weekend to join them, but apparently the restaurant only had tables for two.
B) Theoretically. Dad still buys mum flowers sometimes, and I’ve occasionally seen them holding hands, which admittedly is pretty gross. I expect by their age it’s just force of habit. They must just be part of the furniture to each other, like knackered old sofas.
Have they kept up their appearances or let themselves go?
A) As best they can in their elderly 40s. Mum dresses far too young for her age in my opinion, and could learn a lot from Gran’s sensible outfits. Dad, embarrassingly, still has shoulder-length hair like when I was little, so now he’s thinning on top it looks like he’s wearing a wig that’s slipped backwards. Can’t blame them for wanting to hang on to their youth though, now they’ve only got the old folk’s home to look forward to.
B) Mum still wears make-up for some reason and dad’s gone grey, which people call ‘distinguished’, although I’ve always thought it’s a bit weird unless you’re Blake Carrington, which Dad assuredly is not. So yes, they’re fighting old age valiantly. But you can’t cheat death.
Do they ever seem flustered if you turn up unexpectedly?
A) Sometimes. I always forget my key if I pop home from uni, and I imagine just running downstairs to answer the door is enough to leave you red in the face at their age.
B) Not that I’ve noticed, though mum did seem strangely keen to get rid of me when I turned up out of the blue last week. No idea why she was wearing heels and a miniskirt though. And stockings. Maybe a fancy dress party. Dad wasn’t dressed as a gangster though.
Have you tried just asking them?
A) Jesus Christ on a f**king donkey, you’re kidding aren’t you? I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty melon baller than talk sex with my parents. Plus, there’s a chance I might get an answer I don’t want to even contemplate hearing.
B) No point, I’d cringe with embarrassment and the only feasible reply would be ‘Of course not’. Plus, they had a weekend away with their best friends recently, and there’s no way you’d do that if shagging was on the agenda, right?
Mostly As. Of course they’re still shagging. In fact, ever since you buggered off to university and they got their privacy back they’ve been at it like a couple of 20-somethings. Unlike you who naively thought Aberystwyth Uni would be a non-stop shagfest.
Mostly Bs. Brace yourself. Their sex life has never been better. And that weekend away with ‘friends’ was a 48-hour swingers’ orgy. Here’s a bucket to be sick in.
