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Workplace affairs a lot harder over Zoom

TWO co-workers who have been secretly sleeping together have admitted that the passion is not really surviving Zoom. 

Tom Logan and Emma Bradford began cheating on their partners with each other a year ago, but feel that the erotic energy is really fading now the illicit liaison is conducted entirely through a video conferencing app.

Logan said: “It’s not just the sex. Back in February we could be in a meeting about compliance procedures both hugely horny and sending filthy texts under the table.

“But on Zoom Emma’s there, but so is Martin from Risk and Pete from Finance in alarming, unkempt close-up, and I can’t private message in the chat window in case I accidentally send ‘nice tits’ to everyone.

“And it’s impossible to be the last two people to leave virtual work drinks. Every Friday we try but there’s always some f**ker settling in for the long haul from their spare room. I inched closer to Emma but Leanne said I was so close to the camera she could see pores.”

Bradford agreed: “It wasn’t really about the sex. It was the thrill of office flirtation, and you can’t really sustain that when Tom’s wife sticks her head round the door and waves.”

Doing a jigsaw, and five other ways to initiate sex

BOUGHT a jigsaw, begun a jigsaw, and found yourself frantically f**king because anything but the bloody jigsaw? Try these other ways to get going: 

Any TV show that’s largely laptop cameras

It can be The One Show, Loose Women or even Lorraine, the jarring unfamiliarity and stilted conversation of a chat show that’s all laptop calls will have you reaching for something reassuringly mundane, like your long-term partner’s cock.

Writing a shopping list

One member of the household venturing into the terrifying outside world, perhaps never to return, means they deserve a real solider’s farewell. Or, also like in wartime, you can trade rare products like eggs and gin-in-a-tin for a quick ride.

Lunchtime

Couple without kids both working from home? Looking to put off the end of lunchtime without providing your watchful partner with evidence that you’re slacking off? They can’t complain if you’re boning them, apart from if they’re left doing spreadsheets on the wet patch.

Going to bed not tired

When you’ve done f**k all for days, you got up at 10am and you’re always a little bit pissed, it can be hard to sleep. A quick bang and you’ve done your exercise for the day and you can drift off nicely.

Winning the Zoom pub quiz

Beating all those other dicks, including a bloke called Tony you’re not sure who he’s mates with, is a great way of getting in the mood to shag. Make very sure you have shut Zoom down entirely. Make absolutely sure.

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