A MAN has performed mind-blowing sex on his girlfriend by doing three minutes of missionary intercourse, he has confirmed.
Jack Browne is confident that the 180 seconds of unimaginative, pneumatic sex he shared with partner Emma Bradford will be mentally classified by her as the best lay she has ever had.
Browne said: “Emma’s one lucky lady. There aren’t many women out there who are fortunate enough to have such generous and deft lovers as me.
“After seducing her by whispering ‘Fancy a shag?’ we got straight down to business. I hopped on top and clumsily thrust my hips up and down for three minutes in awkward silence, while Emma lay there practically motionless with ecstasy.
“Once I was done I rolled off and fell straight asleep. Meanwhile Emma probably took that time to recover and message her girlfriends about the earth-shattering orgasm I assume she experienced.
“Some people say you need to do different poses and use toys to have a good sex life but they’re wrong. Missionary is considered a classic for a reason, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”
Bradford said: “I’ve had bumpy bike rides which were more sexually satisfying than that. Plus they didn’t snore or leave me to sleep in the wet patch.”
