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Woman so fancy she is marrying an Italian

A WOMAN has announced she is so much better than everyone else in Britain she must wed an Italian. 

Lucy Parry of Stockport has deemed herself too sophisticated for every single one of Britain’s 13 million single men and therefore had no option but to go shopping abroad.

Friend Lauren Hewitt said: “She’s always thought she was a cut above, but I never thought she’d go this far. He’s called Giuseppe.

“And yes, he’s very Mediterranean with his olive skin and open-necked shirt and sunglasses, but it’s ostentatious, isn’t it? Actually marrying a foreign national, just to prove the point that she considers herself beyond an engineer from Corby called Kevin?

“It’s not like she’s dated every man in the UK. There might have been one out there who’d do. But instead she’s straight on Jet2 cooing over the first man she meets who loves his mama’s gnocchi and drinks espresso from a tiny cup.

“What will they even talk about? I know for a fact she’s totally ignorant of Serie A. A few long evenings of him gesticulating about Puccini and she’ll wish she was slumped in front of the telly with a normal bloke who remembers Byker Grove.”

Parry said: “I always knew I was more special than everyone else and this proves it.”

Tommy Robinson's Flight From Justice: a fun board game for all ages

ARE you a proud police-fighting patriot? Keen to relive your childhood playing Escape From Colditz with a British hero fleeing oppressive forces, but pointedly not the Nazis? 

Each game contains: 1 x board, 4 x Tommy Robinsons, 10 x police officers, 20 x dickhead Tommy supporters, 1 x Woke Establishment, 2 x dice.

The aim

Tommy Robinson, fighting for freedom of speech, is in trouble for showing an amateur, overlong documentary in which he libels a teenage Syrian refugee by accusing him of attacking English girls. Your job is to keep Tommy out of prison for breaching a court order – not easy when Tommy is testing the patience of the law like a dick!

How to play

Tommy must reach the Eurostar Terminal in St Pancras without being arrested. Roll the dice to move and use your tattooed supporters to obstruct the police, although judging by past skirmishes they’re as happy to film their beloved leader being arrested on their phones.

As you attempt to escape the direct consequences of your own actions, you can:

Be victimised by the Woke Establishment

Landing on a ‘Victimised by the Woke Establishment’ square could mean seeing footballers taking the knee or a police car drive past with a temporary LGBTQ+ paint job. Whatever the specifics, it’s the worst oppression anyone has ever experienced in history so Tommy deserves an extra turn.

Play a disguise card

As well as Tommy Robinson, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon has used the names Andrew McMaster, Paul Harris and Wayne King, apparently because Islamic assassins are out to get him. Nothing to do with convictions for entering the US on a false passport or mortgage fraud.

Board the Eurostar

You need to roll between two and 12 using both dice. This is impossible to fail at because Tommy just has to get on the Eurostar, not cling to the underside of a carriage like in a film. He even has a ticket.

Hide out in France

The most challenging part of the game. France is a living hell for Tommy, because no one knows who he is, everyone’s foreign, the far-right just got beaten in an election and there’s nothing to do except look at fine art in The Louvre every day.

Roll a dice every turn to see if you can stand it. If you roll less than four while you’re in France you crack under the pressure and humiliatingly return to the UK with your tail between your legs, which is oddly prophetic for a board game.

Deciding the winner 

Technically you can’t win due to the British legal system being prejudiced against the white, and because Tommy has to return due to needing the attention. For the purposes of the game, the winner is whoever kept Tommy on the run the longest giving the UK a nice break from his stuck-record racism. Well done!

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