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Kate won William back with sexy prostate exam, new book reveals

A NEW biography of the Princess of Wales reveals she won her Prince back by dressing as a nurse and performing a professional yet sexy prostate examination. 

Kate Middleton and Prince William had split up a year before when she attended the Freakin’ Naughty party at a 17th-century manor house, where she knew exactly what would win his heart.

An anonymous source said: “Kate, or Catherine as we called her to emphasise her common nature, had the wonderfully imaginative idea to dress as a sexy nurse.

“As soon as she entered the party, provocatively pulling on a disposable surgical glove like on the cover of William’s favourite Blink-182 album, he made a beeline for her.

“Clearly prepared for his advances, she coyly indulged in sexy patter about his age and the necessity of a thorough examination to be sure everything was in working order. He was smitten.

“They sloped off to an upstairs bedroom where she gave him the works. I was in the grounds, and I thought someone had thrown a bucket of soapy water against the inside of the window. A pair of velvet curtains imported from Genoa in 1821 had to be burned.

“That was the moment he realised she was the one for him. It really is a beautiful story.”

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It is five pints in a beer garden o'clock

THE time is now exactly knock off work and drink five delicious pints in a beer garden o’clock, scientists have confirmed.

With temperatures soaring to levels incompatible with working, senior and genuine scientists have agreed it is imperative that you put your out-of-office on and head to the nearest pub for several refreshing pints in the sun.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Just as the hands of the Doomsday Clock inch ever closer to an apocalyptic midnight, the heatwave has finally nudged drinking time to midday piss-ups. Enjoy.

“We’re long past staying hydrated by drinking water. Even the lightweight’s Pimm’s o’clock is in the past. The mercury hits 30C today which officially heralds the start of Greenwich Steamed By 3pm Time.

“Don’t worry about falling behind with your work or getting rumbled by your boss. They’ve already installed themselves outside Wetherspoons and are knocking back pitchers of Candy Rosá.

“Follow their example by quintuple parking yourself with ice-cold lager. Avoid salty crisps. They’ll only make you more thirsty which is dangerous in this heat. Far better to drink on an empty stomach.”

Drinker Martin Bishop said: “See, science gets a bad rap with that climate change shite, but it can be useful.”

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