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The top five TV shows to leave on in the background while having sex

UNSURE what to watch while you’re having sex? Here are five shows that are easy to dip in and out of, so to speak, during lovemaking.

Deadwood

In an ideal world you’d make time and really get into one of those lavish HBO shows everyone says is an all-time classic. The Wire is too bleak and The Sopranos too engaging, so stick to Deadwood. Its slow pace will give you plenty of time to enjoy sexual intercourse, and since it’s HBO, there are tits in it if you’re a bit bored with your partner’s.

Peaky Blinders

A surprisingly horny show about well-dressed men in hats. Many would argue the stylised violence and macho lifestyle is inappropriate for the bedroom. But Cillian Murphy’s in it and frankly you’d prefer your male partner tried to recreate strait-laced 1920s sex to the weird shit in the last Pornhub video he watched. 

Luther

The show itself is an unwatchable collection of ‘edgy’ police show clichés and witless plotlines showing precious little respect for its audience. However Idris Elba has a sexy voice, not unlike smooth jazz, which makes it the perfect soundtrack to a night of lovemaking, unless he’s talking about a mutilated corpse in the mortuary.

The Bear

Watch emotionally vulnerable men with stylish tattoos and beefy arms yell at each other in a cramped kitchen. The air is thick with tension; a fight could break out any minute or they could hug and cry. Masculine yet sensitive, they’re ideal for women to fantasise about during sex with your underwhelming partner. Sadly him whipping up a Chilean sea bass with tomato confit for a midnight snack will have to remain a fantasy.

The Blue Planet

Experience the wonders of this little blue ball we call Earth and the diversity and mystery of life as you celebrate a deep physical connection with your partner. Also if it’s an episode about penguin mating season you can imagine David Attenborough is watching and talking about you. Kinky.

'General election now' says 13-year-old smoker who owns XL bully

A TEENAGE smoker who owns an XL bully is demanding that a general election is held immediately.

Jack Browne, 13, who is planning a career as a rapper if he gets the necessary GCSE results, feels so outraged by the government’s latest policies he is campaigning for a general election this afternoon.

He said: “It’s high time we gave someone else a go at running the country. Sunak’s administration is morally bankrupt, bereft of ideas and also a bunch of wankers.

“He took over without a democratic vote of the whole electorate. Now he’s taking away basic human rights like being able to own a dog that three council dog wardens can’t control. And that’s when he being friendly.

“The thought of purchasing fags legally was the only thing keeping me going after I’d learnt my beloved pet Beast will be banned. How will I be able to indulge in one of life’s little pleasures while terrorising the estate once the age restriction kicks in? 

“I’m going to follow Penny Mordaunt’s advice and fight for what I believe in. I’ve already written a rap entitled Free Da Bullyz An’ Da Marlboro, which I expect will become a popular protest song not unlike The Times They Are Changin’.

“I’m following it up with a leafleting campaign and, if necessary, direct action. By which I mean vandalising a bin in the park.”

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